Throughout history mankind has been witness to many visioneers of the future. The Oracle of Lesbos. Nostradamus. Marty McFly. But despite all the renditions and predictions, evidence has arisen that the Earth has but one impending future – the world of Squaresoft’s Nintendo game Final Fantasy VI (Or III to everyone in North America). Our top predictologists have come up with the ten most noticeable changes, gauging them on a rating system ranging from ‘Not surprising’ to ‘Orwellian Shitstorm,’ and their findings are now available to the public. No one is sure when this new era will come to be, but if you ask the denizens of the new Hamilton borough Zozo it will occur at 06:10:50 – an ominous portend of things to come.
10. Airships are Already Outpacing our Airlines, Space Shuttles: When the Hindenberg went down in a blaze of glory immortalized by Led Zeppelin, society thought dirgibles were a thing of the past, like hoverwagons. But none of our complex jet engines or speed-of-sound breaking aerodynamics were ready for the retro comeback of moderately fast, open-concept hipster airships, which are so cheap even chronic gamblers can own one. Making inroads with today’s youth (a veritable aerial Honda Civic), expect airship production to surpass our standard airplanes by 2012. If they have reached the skies, can the moon be far behind?
9. Evil Governments, No Longer Just a Plot Device: Back in the ’90s evil governments were a wonderful way to move a story, provide menace and save money on costume design. Plus they always added that sense of mystery that it might turn out that you were the monster after all. Nowadays the contemporary understanding is that this has indeed become the norm, as forecast by Vector and Emperor Gestahl, and it is only a matter of time before police cars are replaced with multi-beam Magitek Armor soldiers for their obvious lifting, clomping and tek-missile benefits. Also, George Bush.
8. Underground-castle Technology is Advancing Rapidly: “Why have a castle in only one place?” was a question posited in a recent census poll. 86% of those who responded could not think up one reason – and thus mankind began work on underground castle transportation, which, it was deemed, made way more sense than thinking skywards. Toronto, for example, began work on a massive tunnel to help residents near Castle Loma fight weekend traffic. Crank a large lever in the dungeon and two hours later the castle and everyone aboard surface in Fenlon Falls, Kawarthas cottage country. Though none of our current designs replicate the majestic beauty of Figaro Castle – rumbling underground like a vomiting old man – scientists who specialize in colossal excavation have predicted all castles to be equipped thus by 2016. Work has already finished on a similar burrowing contraption in London’s Buckingham Palace, but so far it is rarely used because it surfaces in Glasgow.
7. In the Future People Will Frequently be Attacked by Squid: Keep fire on hand for seafood soup.
6. H&M Already has Prototype Gloves That Let You Attack Twice: Not to be confused with their line of gloves that get you high, ‘Ganja Gloves,’ retailer H&M is relishing the success of of their new Genji brand gloves. The line is selling exceptionally well, primarily because attacking twice is damned awesome. Everyone wants to attack twice, and wearing the gloves gives you the strength to overcome the inhibitions holding back that second devastating punch or stabbing. The Genji brand have totally changed the way humanity gets in fist fights, bar fights or cat fights – that’s right ladies, Genji Female is out and “putting the ‘run, bitch!’ back in ‘Runic.’”
5. Tonic Brand Tetra-pack Sales Increasing: Some will scoff and call it coincidence, but careful observation of a child’s lunch reveals all the necessary healing potions of the impending quasi-futuristic world awaiting us already here. Tonics are now sold by the tetra-pack, tinctures crushed up and placed in Flinstones Vitamins, ethers being sold as ether – even X-Potions are being chugged by teenagers due to an Internet meme claiming they contain one-third of an aphrodisiac. In fact, the flood of magic-induced products onto the market targeting young people is in itself cause for concern, as is the street lingo “mugu mugu?” which police have deciphered is code asking for smack.
4. Chickens are Getting Bigger: Genetic engineering has been producing chickens artificially fattened and bred to be larger than your standard KFC Variety Bucket for years, but only now are such poultry primed to replace automobiles as the standard form of transportation among humans. The vacuum left by the failure of the Segway has opened the coop flood gates for genetically-engineered chicken riders, for they can travel almost anywhere (excluding cities, mountain ranges and seas). Though not without downside – if you get off for any reason they run back to their pens – such beasts have already begun to be called ‘Chocobops’ due to their proclivity towards Bebop jazz.
3. A Woman in Austria Just Named Her Child “Kefka”: Though some may claim this to be the result of a misprint on the birth certificate of a newborn named after author Franz Kafka, those who understand well the Final Fantasy VI-ing of the world know this to be a sure sign of the impending Esper breakout. True, the baby is less than a year old, but he has already laughed – leading top scientists to believe he is indeed the arch villain reborn.
2. Hand-to-Hand Combat With Animals is on the Rise: These days it seems like you can’t walk into a field without seeing some hapless farmer forced into hand-to-hand combat with common, otherwise friendly, fauna. A popular choice in fending off stray cats is the Mithril Pike, while a fanciful dirk works best on oversized hornets and rabbits inexplicably fused to bushes. Impromptu attacks by gangs of organized lobo are on the rise predominantly in the inner city, proving that it is not just farmers dealing with this dilemma. Yesterday I had to whip shuriken at sand crab that were advancing rapidly. Rumours already abound regarding a wild boy running with the beasts, though some claim this is just the comeback of the mullet as a disgusting hairstyle.
1. Somewhere in the Bible a Floating Continent Heralds the Apocalypse: If all these telltale signs aren’t enough to convince you that Magitek troopers aren’t being bred in the most secret labs of Area 51, then perhaps you’re not big on science. Well, Revelation 3:18 in the new testament can be quoted thusly: “And John did spy the magical caverns of the Espers quake with an ancient groan, being cleft from the Earth and flung into the sky. And it did sit there. And Atma did make his home there.” It goes on to mention Shadow casting Life 3 on Jesus.
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