Conan the Barbarian is an unnecessary, but often entertaining adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s series of stories about the Cimmerian warrior who was “born of battle.” And to the film’s credit, it doesn’t feel like a full remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger take on the character. This Conan is actually smarter and even more action packed than the beloved films from the 80s, but under the direction of Marcus Nispel (who was also responsible for the reboots of Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) sometimes the film can be excessive even by the standards of the character.

The film opens with a young Conan learning the ways of the warrior from his father (Ron Perlman) before watching him be tortured and eventually killed by a bloodthirsty warlord named Zym (Stephen Lang) and his mystical daughter Marique (a nearly unrecognizable Rose McGowan). Zym seeks to resurrect his dead wife through the power of a mask created by the necromancers to harness the powers of pure evil (or something like that since the actual powers of the mask are pretty vague), and together he hopes for them to enslave the world. In order for the mask to work, Zym must have the blood of the last remaining descendent of the necromancers (played by Rachel Nichols). A now grown Conan (Game of Thrones‘ Jason Momoa) is out for a Robin Hood like quest to protect the young woman and exact revenge in his own barbaric way.

The performances suit the material well, but Momoa is almost too good as Conan. Fans of the Schwarzenegger films might be disappointed that Momoa’s Conan is far smarter and much more tactically-minded. Fans of Howard’s stories, however, will probably be excited that the character is much more battle savvy. Either way, his performance is very good. Perlman almost runs away with the film despite only being in the first twenty minutes. He gets the film off on the right foot all on his own. Lang is suitably slimy and Nichols is very good at standing around and looking pretty, but it is McGowan who will probably get the biggest career boost from the film. She seems to be having an absolute blast walking around with Freddy Krueger nails and smirking with evil glee at her destruction.

Visually, Conan is also quite nice to look at. Made with a lot of practical sets against CGI backdrops, it has a decidedly well thought out production design, and it is filmed in a brightly lit manner. The fact that the film is more bright and colourful means it lends itself well to the 3-D conversion process, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. It might be the first time I could ever say that a film is neither helped, nor hindered by being in 3-D. The action sequences are numerous, with one occurring almost like clockwork every five minutes, and they are quite possibly the most flamboyantly gory battle sequences on screen this year.

The main problem with the film sadly also lies with these action sequences. At 116 minutes the film is far too long and Nispel really doesn’t have anything new to add to these sequences after the first hour. Just as the film should be ramping up in intensity, it actually slows down because the fights begin to all look the same. It all gets a bit tiresome seeing the same thing every five minutes without adding any depth to the story or at least staging something a little differently. The film does pick up again at the conclusion with a pretty great final showdown between Conan and Zym, and it does send the audience home on a high note. With some trimming or more imagination Conan could have been a minor classic. There is fun to be had in this incarnation of Conan, but it isn’t very consistent. Thankfully, there is more to like here than there is to pan.

Thanks to Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, the action film reached its height in the late 80′s and early 90′s. It was a world where a man could battle an army of terrorists single-handedly and not only survive, but slaughter them all; where a man could fire forty rounds from his hand gun—while flying through the air—and still have bullets to spare; where it was possible for a man to fight a helicopter with his nothing more than his bare hands—and win! Yes, Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis—and to a lesser extent Van Damme, Seagal and Lundgren—exemplified the action movie at it’s zenith. In more recent years, the action torch has been taken up by actors like Jason Statham and Jet Li, who  have done the genre proud. So when Stallone announced that he was making The Expendables, and that it would feature most of the guys I just mentioned, action film fans, myself included, were elated. But things were just too good to be true. I’m sad to report that as awesome as The Expendables sounded on paper, the film simply does not live up to expectations. I left the theatre seriously let down.

Spoilers to follow.

A team of mostly over-the-hill mercenaries, known as The Expendables, take on a job at the behest of the CIA. The team, led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), is tasked with taking down a brutal South American dictator (David Zayas) and his rogue CIA advisor (Eric Roberts). Add a damsel in distress, a betrayal by a member of the team and you have a pretty standard blueprint for an action movie. Stallone could have elevated this B-movie fare to the next level, especially given the fantastic cast he assembled, but the plot is hackneyed at first and is nearly incomprehensible by the end.

To his credit, one thing Stallone does get right is the action. There is some really great gun play and hand-to-hand fighting in the film. The action itself is pretty solid, but is almost universally ruined by the obscenely fast paced editing. Some sequences are rendered nearly unwatchable by the quick cutting. Editing notwithstanding, this doesn’t even begin to address the last quarter of the film, which contains more explosions than I’ve seen in a movie in a long while; explosion after explosion after explosion, it was the first time I was ever bored by things blowing up.

Aside from the action, the best part of “men on a mission” movies is usually the back-and-forth dialogue between the members of the team. Unfortunately, The Expendables barely has any of that, and what banter there is falls utterly flat. It’s a mix of slurred speech and bad acting, punctuated by even worse editing. In many cases the script feels like it was written mere minutes before the cameras rolled.

The scenes between Ross and Tool (Mickey Rourke) are a horrifying, steroid fueled, plastic surgery nightmare—it’s the one time in the film you’ll be thankful for the quick cutting. Rourke’s grotesque appearance aside, he turns in the most interesting and convincing performance in the entire film, which is sad when you consider how few scenes he’s actually in.

Jason Statham and Jet Li, perhaps the most relevant action stars in the film, are barely used. Li feels particularly wasted. His character Yin Yang (Yes… Yin Yang) doesn’t really do much at all; like every other bit of action in the film, what Li does do is obscured by a flurry of cuts. Also, I’m sure Eric Roberts is probably a nice guy, but the actor continues to be type cast as slimy, manipulative creep. Give the guy a break! And what about that much hyped Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger cameo? The best bits from that scene are what you’ve seen in the trailers, the rest is a hastily filmed, poorly planned little scene that feels very tacked on.

The Expendables is a violent mess of a movie. At times it can feel like a sweet throwback to the 80′s action hey-day, but it’s barely a step above the straight-to-DVD fare its stars have been languishing in for the past decade. The Expendables had so much potential, it’s a real shame that the film doesn’t work better. Stallone continues to rest on the laurels of his past glory, this is yet another wasted opportunity. If this film has proven anything it’s that he clearly has no interest in innovating, at this rate we can expect a sequel to Demolition Man by the time Wesley Snipes gets out of jail.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Jon and Al also created an excellent musical sendup to another Schwarzenegger classic: “The Mountains of Mars” from Total Recall: The Musical, though it loses points for not having a single mention of villains Vilos Cohaagen and Richter.

With the recent announcement of the Robert Rodriguez produced sequel/reboot of the Predator franchise, Premiere Magazine went back and took a look at the film that started it all.  They learned that the original Predator isn’t just a movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger in top form, or even an above average 1980′s action film.  No, Premiere believes that the film is something much more; a motivational piece that we can all benefit from seeing, they believe that Predator is a guide to living life well.

8 Life Lessons We Can All Learn From Predator @ PremiereMagazine.com

Personally, I learned that if you push to many pencils you won’t be able to match Arnold in a “push it to the limit” arm wrestle, even if you are Carl Weathers.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Thank you to Alana for the link.

MTV Movies Blog has confirmed that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be appearing in the upcoming Terminator Salvation in some capacity.  Whether the Governator will appear in the flesh, or only lend his likeness and voice to the T-800 cyborg he has portrayed in the three previous Terminator films, the nature of his cameo appearance is still a mystery.  It just wouldn’t be a Terminator movie without ol’ Arnie.  Even if Terminator 3 left many disappointed, I for one am happy to see Schwarzenegger return.

Additionally, Ain’t It Cool News is reporting that Terminator Salvation will be rated PG-13 in the United States.  Their source? A Pizza Hut promotional tie-in site promoting the upcoming Terminator film—the PG-13 rating being prominently featured in the website’s fine print.

This is disappointing news for fans, since director Joseph McGinty Nichol; also known by his ridiculous moniker McG, had been fighting the studio for an R-rated cut.  The reason for the Restricted rating?  Horrific machine-on-human violence?  Explicit coarse language?  The apocalyptic end of the entire human race?!  No,  no, Terminator Salvation was to be rated R because of a pair of breasts.  Actress Moon Bloodgood‘s nude scene took the movie from a PG-13 to an R rating.  I love the hypocrisy of the MPAA.  Show a person being brutally gunned down: PG-13—Topless woman? RATED R!  BOOBS!?  RUN FOR THE HILLS! Hell, even Terminator 3 was rated R…  the Terminator movies are meant for adults.

Terminator Salvation Trailer @ Yahoo Movies

Terminator Salvation comes out May 21st 2009.