Until recently, I was always impressed with the diversity and ferocity of movie monsters. Monster movies, action, horror – these genres spawned some pretty out-of-this-world and hungry creatures, including xenomorphs from Aliens, colossal crab-praying mantis’ from Cloverfield, and, of course, the giant St. Bernard from The Sandlot. Go back even further and you’ve got classics like Godzilla, The Thing, The Blob, and Outer Space Death Aardvarks (from Outer Space Death Aardvarks I – IX, the unheralded work of an aging Charlie Chaplin, 1949-53).
Until recently, I didn’t own a copy of Will Wright’s Spore and its expansions. Now, using the power of a mere piece of software, I can safely say, without fear of hyperbole, that I should be hired to create CGI creatures for all movies from now until eternity and that every puppeteer, computer graphics wizard, and really ugly tall guy in Hollywood should be fired. I don’t mean to brag, but all of those people deserve a slap and a pink slip based on the fact that my creations usher in a new millennium of the grotesque, eradicating competition in the categories of: scariness, having lots of teeth, gooeyness, ability to rampage, multiple eyeball-ness, and human brutalization.
To prove this fact – and with much humility – I offer you my top 10 Spore creations that would make superior movie monsters:
10. Aborhassb: If gooeyness and blobs of whatever are your bag when it comes to horror, the Aborhassb is your Jackie Chan. Comprised of red flesh-blotches and weird skin, this rolling mess has a creepy sight-less head and spiky innards. Two long graspers would drag unsuspecting citizens of Everytown USA into its churning bowels, merging them to itself like a hungrier Tetsuo from Akira. Monster it dominates: The Blob.
