Peter Berg’s Battleship has been constructed to do nothing more than act as a loud, noisy ass kicker of a movie. Almost nothing like the board game it gets its name from, it’s a tricked out, comically overblown American muscle car of a movie. Sleek, stylish, well-maintained, driven by pretty boys, fun to look at, but possibly annoying and tiresome if you have to stand next to one that spins its wheels for too long. It dispenses with things like “narrative credibility,” “reality,” and “science” within seconds of starting and it never looks back. It’s brazen, brash, and surprisingly far more entertaining than those Michael Bay Transformers films it will get compared to. It won’t stick in the viewer’s mind for very long, but if you’re willing to give in to its “go big or go home” style, you’ll be in for a real empty headed treat.

Lazy layabout Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) has been mooching off his military commander brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) for too long when he gets tazed by the police for breaking into a Hawaiian convenience store to steal a frozen chicken burrito for a random hottie in a bar. Fed up with his shenanigans, Stone forces Alex into joining him in the Navy where he’s a chronic screw up on the verge of getting kicked out. He’s also about to marry the girl from the bar (Brooklyn Decker), who just so happens to be the daughter of his commanding officer (Liam Neeson).

While out at sea (embarking from Pearl Harbor, no less) on the “military ballet” that is the RIMPAC naval championships involving navies from around the world (but really just Japan and the U.S.), a real threat arises when an alien threat from a “Goldilocks planet” (meaning not too hot, not too cold, and just the right distance from the sun) named Planet G lands in the ocean thanks to some nearby satellites that can help them take over the Earth or some shit like that. They set up a force-field around themselves, fly around in heavily fortified ships, and lay waste to most of the destroyers in the area, taking numerous lives. It’s up to the previously responsibility averse Alex to rise up and save the day.

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way early before we proceed, because thanks to the participation of Hasbro the Transformers comparisons won’t go away until we talk about them. Unlike the humourless and often icky work of Michael Bay, Berg (The Rundown, Hancock) understands how ridiculous his film is. Sure, there are some obvious surface level comparisons in terms of the film’s plot, creature design, and fawning over the military, but what it’s missing is Bay’s annoyingly right wing political viewpoint, his somewhat racist tendencies, and his sexualizing of female characters. Not once does the film stop to show some “loathsome” peacenik saying that there should be a diplomatic solution getting thrown under the ship, and the female characters are just as wooden and ill-defined as anyone else on the ship. Also the hilariously implausible and conceptually inane final act shows more love for the armed forces than any five seconds of any Bay film.

None of this means that Battleship isn’t overkill, though. The film does showcase its explosions and visual effects better than it does in the trailer, but after a while it becomes almost exhausting to watch no matter how good it looks. The sound design, oddly enough, might be the thing that divides audiences the most. It’s meant to be played as loudly as possible to the point of being deafening. It’s probably as close to a sea battle as most filmgoers are going to get, but there was a whole lot of cringing at the screening I attended from people who simply couldn’t take it. (For the record, I really dug the sound design and its Oscar for that category is probably already in the mail.)

The cast isn’t much of an entity here since there isn’t much room for performance around such constant spectacle, but Berg does know exactly how to use Kitsch as a leading man thanks to their time bonding on TV’s Friday Night Lights. He’s an affable, mercurial dumbass simply there to learn a few lessons and move the plot along. Neeson’s role barely registers above a cameo, but fans of the actor will get a kick out of just how cool he can act when the world is under attack by aliens. Decker and pop star Rihanna are really just there, with the former serving more as a last minute plot saviour and the latter doing what she does best by glowering and looking serious.

It’s quite telling that the scene that most closely resembles the board game would be the dullest in the film, but it’s almost a welcome respite from the film’s almost hyperactive desire to jostle the audience by any means necessary. Thankfully, the film comes devoid of the unrelenting mean streak and self-righteousness that Michael Bay would have brought to such a similarly themed production, but to compensate for that, everything else is as unrelenting as possible, including its almost joyful stupidity. At nearly two and a quarter hours, it’s a bit much, but if you can get behind a film where enormous bombs whiz improbably close to people’s skulls and the film’s greatest scientific mind (played here by, of all people, indie film darling Hamish Linklater) acts like a cross between Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park and Professor Frink from The Simpsons, there’s some enjoyment to be had. Battleship couldn’t be more upfront about what it’s trying to do, and it’s something you’ll either go along with or you should stay away from entirely. While I appreciated how much the film cops to its own stupidity, the final choice is ultimately yours on this one.

Saying that Wrath of a Titans bests its 2010 predecessor Clash of the Titans is like saying…

Oh, the heck with it. Wrath of the Titans shows marked improvement in terms of acting and the use of 3-D, but it’s too lazy to even warrant an analogy of any kind. The movie doesn’t seem to care that it’s even a movie. It’s just a bunch of crap happening for little to no reason, and it’s brought to you by director Jonathan Liebsman (Battle: Los Angeles, Darkness Falls), who after killing this potentially fun sword and sandals franchise off is about to put his hack hands all over that Michael Bay produced Ninja Turtles reboot everyone’s been bitching about. I’ll just let that sink in while you proceed on with the rest of the review.

Called upon by his father Zeus (Liam Neeson), the heroic demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington) gets called away from raising his son in peace when Ares (Edgar Ramirez) teams with Hades (Ralph Fiennes) to resurrect their father Kronos – the original God that Zeus took over from – in order to destroy the world, or something like that. It’s honestly never made clear, but everything you need to know is delivered by Neeson in one thirty second long speech approximately three minutes into the film. The three person writing staff’s devotion to really not giving a shit is quite admirable, in hindsight.

At least, Neeson and Fiennes are back because Sam Worthington still isn’t anywhere near the leading man every suit in Hollywood seemingly wants to make him. But while it’s fun to watch Neeson and Fiennes face off against one another in their few scenes together, it’s painfully clear that Neeson wasn’t even there for half the shoot since he’s chained up with his back to the camera most of the time. They’re usually good in bad movies only because they are fun to watch doing pretty much anything, but Liebsman gives them absolutely no material to work with. Ditto the poor Rosamund Pike as a warrior general, Toby Kebbell as the son of Poseidon, and Bill Nighy who shows up only to be a plot convenience and an unfunny comedic relief as a fallen God and weapons maker.

There are fleeting moments where Liebsman understands how cheesy and one note his film is, but aside from the craziest instance of a snake biting the audience in 3D since Comin’ At Ya, every single thing he attempts after the film’s set-up stinks. He seems in such a hurry to get to the finale that none of the other action sequences comes across as anything more than incomprehensibly edited filler with zero stakes and absolutely no logical or logistical sense.

This is the kind of movie where characters are just forgotten about for stretches because the writers have no idea what to do with them; the kind of film where people somehow miraculously teleport from point A to point B because, again, the writers and the director have no logical way to account for them being anywhere else; the kind of film where when the group of heroes is separated they shout each other’s name incessantly like it will make a lick of difference. Every cliché from lazy action epics that could possibly get crammed into a film show up here, and things only get more incompetent as the film reaches its deathly long and uninteresting conclusion that makes a 100 minute film feel like an eternity.

The visual effects are more accomplished and the 3-D is markedly improved despite an obviously lower budget than the first film. In the hands of a better director, this might have elevated Wrath of the Titans, but Liebsman seems to be crafting a sequel to his headache inducing nightmare Battle: Los Angeles instead of a movie with two headed dragons and minotaurs. The blend of handheld camerawork, 3-D, and some of the most spastic editing since Transformers 2 induced the worst headache I probably ever got from watching a film while I wasn’t already previously sick. Such a shame, too, since the creature design and make-up work here is top notch.

While watching Wrath of the Titans, I couldn’t shake the fact that I would rather be watching a movie where Neeson and Fiennes were buddies talking about all the strange movies they’ve done in their careers. There’s a sequence where they turn to each other and smile when they talk about what they did when they were younger. I wonder if they even knew the camera was on. It’s a rare moment of grace in an otherwise graceless movie. I also liked the sequence because it was one of maybe ten minutes in the film where I could clearly see and understand just what was happening and why it was happening.

I remember a day, back in the late 90s, when I bought a VHS copy of The Rock for my brother’s birthday. It was his favourite movie, if I remember correctly. But I inevitably ended up watching it multiple times. Each time, I gained a little more understanding regarding John Mason’s (Sean Connery) claim, in Scottish burr, that he spent his time in prison “reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the showers… though, it’s less of a problem these days. Maybe I’m losing my sex appeal.”

But rewatching The Rock in 2012, a lot struck me about what we expect from a blockbuster. The plotline – a group of elite rogue Marines (led by Ed Harris!) take hostages at Alcatraz prison and threaten to kill hundreds of thousands with stolen chemical weapons unless millions are handed over to them from a Pentagon slush fund that comes from illegal weapons sales – is pretty contained for an action film. If this were made in 2012, it wouldn’t be directed by Michael Bay, it would be directed by Joe Carnahan, it wouldn’t cost $75 million (in 1996 dollars, the actual budget), it would probably cost around $40 million (in 2012 dollars), it wouldn’t run a bloated 136 minutes, it would run a slim 100, and it wouldn’t star Nicolas Cage… actually, it would probably star Nicolas Cage, but he wouldn’t hop in a Ferrari and chase Sean Connery (in a Hummer) through San Francisco in a Ferrari.

But let’s be thankful that he did, because that shit rules.

Yes. Nicolas Cage rules. In 1995, Cage made Leaving Las Vegas with experimental director Mike Figgis. In hindsight, Cage’s performance in Las Vegas is a truly horrifying descent into addiction and the idea of suicide by substance abuse, and people recognized. He was an eccentric actor willing to work with weirdo auteurs – the Coen Brothers, David Lynch – and also make weird movies with less well-known filmmakers – like Vampire’s Kiss and Red Rock West. In 1995, he paid his dues and gave one of the performances of his life. For Leaving Las Vegas, he won an award which would give him the freedom to do whatever he wanted. He could be anyone. What did he do?

He said “FUCK YOU, NERDS” and made The Rock. Explosions! Physics-defying action scenes! A Ra-Ra celebration of militarism! Jerry Bruckheimer! Michael Bay! Boom! Pow! Bam! Whoosh! The chance to ask a question “in the name of Zeus’s Butthole!” The chance to call himself a “chemical superfreak!” Nicolas Cage is superfreaky! Little green balls of poisonous gas that melt people’s faces! Bizarrely placed references to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Pulp Fiction! Money! Lots and lots of money!

How the fuck else is Nic Cage gonna afford them dinosaur heads and Bavarian castles that he so sorely needed to inspire him for his craft? But more than that, Nic Cage gets to be AWESOME on screen. He gets to sit in a chair shirtless with a guitar playing along (badly) to the Beatles before he tells his girlfriend that it would suck if she got pregnant. How else is he gonna get lessons in Badass from James “fucking” Bond himself? How else is he gonna shove a green ball of highly dangerous poison into some crazy Marine’s face before saving himself by stabbing himself in the heart with a giant syringe and then saving 81 hostages by holding garish green flares up as five planes fly by while awesome guitar-laced elevator music plays?

Some people might criticize Cage for choosing to become fucking movie star, but really, even if I like to watch art films and read philosophy, if someone gave me the choice to gain weight and play a fat neurotic writer, or to go to the gym and become an action star who gets laid and kicks ass on screen,  what do you think I would choose? Sure, it’s regrettable that Bay’s style of action is really dated 16 years later, and it kinda sucks that Bay can’t represent a minority without resorting to some offensive comedic stereotype (unless he’s making a Bad Boys movie, and even then…)

The morale of the story is: Cage is a badass. Cage made a badass movie. And if you don’t like it, you’re a hater. Shut up. Also, Quentin Tarantino apparently did a re-write on this film, and that really awkward Elton John “Rocket Man” joke is sooooo his. Just sayin’.

One has to be extremely careful in not overselling Man on a Ledge. While it isn’t exactly a “great” or a “good” movie, it’s the kind of film that harkens back to the grindhouse potboilers of the mid to late 70s; movies like Search and Destroy and The Glove, only this time with a modern sheen and a better cast of actors who are up for pretty much anything. Ostensibly a cross between Inside Man and The Negotiator with a healthy dose of Michael Bay style ridiculousness, Man on a Ledge might be the most fun to be had in cinemas this January. It’s an unabashed crowd pleaser that really doesn’t care that it doesn’t make an iota of logical sense.

Following a brazen escape from police custody at his father’s funeral, former New York City police officer Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington) holes himself up in a room at the famed Roosevelt Hotel, climbs out on a ledge and threatens to jump. He asks specifically for a disgraced, often hungover rookie negotiator (Elizabeth Banks) to talk him down, but the threat of his suicide is all a ruse designed to distract authorities from a heist going on across the street designed to help clear his name and prove him innocent of the diamond theft that landed him in Sing Sing in the first place.

While Cassidy plays to the crowd below and annoys the police (including site leader Ed Burns), across the street at the offices of ruthless real estate tycoon David Englander (Ed Harris), Nick’s brother (Jamie Bell) and his future sister-in-law (Genesis Rodriguez) are attempting to steal the $20 million dollar diamond that will prove Englander framed Nick. Oh, and while all THIS is happening there’s a reporter (Kyra Sedgwick) turning the scene into a media circus AND Nick’s former partner (Anthony Mackie) is trying to get to the bottom of things away from the site.

While it sounds like there’s an overabundance of plot going on in director Asger Leth’s first fictional feature, the film itself would beg to differ otherwise. It’s all a springboard for launching some incredibly implausible, but wholly elaborate set pieces that feel like nostalgic homages to action films of the past rather than wholesale replications of them. There’s the scene where a car has to outrun a train, a scene where someone has to cut the red wire, the scene where security cameras need to be taken out. These are all standard genre conventions, but Leth and writer Pablo F. Fenjves actually come up with some inventive twists that make the ridiculous subject matter all the more fun to watch.

The cast seems in on the fun for the most part, especially Harris who gets to devour anything and everything in his path and has one of the best character introductions and sendoffs in recent memory. Banks and Burns make for great foils to each other and they almost deserve a movie of their own. Everyone else seems to be having a blast, except for Worthington, who takes this material a bit more seriously than it needs to be. When everything around the main character is more fun to watch than the guy on the ledge is, that’s a bit of a problem.

The final fifteen minutes or so of Man on a Ledge are burned into my memory. It’s a conclusion that is equal parts thrilling and completely idiotic in the best possible way. Audiences at the preview screening chuckled at it, but by the end of the film they cheered. Man on a Ledge achieves its goals splendidly by giving the audience exactly what they want. There’s a Man. On a Ledge. And it’s pretty awesome.

It’s time for some “real talk”, guys. I can’t think of any other way to approach this review. I will keep it brief since Transformers: Dark of the Moon director Michael Bay can’t seem to do it himself. Do you just want to see some shit blow up? If you answered in the affirmative, then you will probably greatly enjoy this film a whole lot more than the second entry in the franchise since you will actually be able to SEE what is happening for a change. Everyone else looking for anything more than that can look elsewhere because that is all you are going to get from this astoundingly pretty, but astoundingly empty, incoherent, nonsensical and excessive film.

I know, Michael Bay made an excessive film? “The hell?”, you say with all the incredulity in the world. It isn’t exactly a good thing or a bad thing. In fact, I am struggling at the moment with what I even thought of the film. Quite frankly, this film might have broken my brain entirely. Again, that isn’t a good or a bad thing. While there is some undeniable entertainment value in the third film in the Transformers franchise, there is so much about it that I detested and made me want to gnaw my own hands off. One moment I openly wanted to stab myself in the chest with my pen, and then the next moment I was just in awe with the sheer spectacle of what I was seeing. Uneven doesn’t begin to cover this film, nor does any synonym for it.

The story at the heart of Dark of the Moon really isn’t a bad one in theory, but it is botched in terms of practice and common sense. It turns out that the Apollo 11 mission was actually a cover by the United States government to retrieve pieces of an alien craft that crashed into the moon. On this ship was Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), one of the good guy Autobots, who was protecting a bunch of pillars that could resurrect the home planet of these robots in disguise. Or something like that. I can’t fully distill the plot of this movie into words (and writer Ehren Kruger seems to have a Joe Eszterhas-like level of not caring to deliver a coherent story or even a single line of believable dialogue), but apparently something really terrible will happen if the evil Decepticons get their hands on them. Like, something that could destroy the Earth by letting them land their planet on top of ours and could lead to the enslavement of the human race. All of this really puts a dent into the life of the unassuming hero of the series, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) who is just trying to get a post-university job, gain some respect for saving the world twice before, and is trying to keep his new girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, an actual big step down from Megan Fox, but at least a different character) from running away with her sleazy car collector boss (Patrick Dempsey, who is having more fun on screen being a jerk than should be legally allowed).

Let’s start with the negatives first. This movie is stupid. Absolutely 1,010% brainless with not a single thing that makes a lick of sense even in a fantasy realm. The plot is so nonsensical and illogical that it’s almost a work of art. The film continues with Bay’s need to fetishize right wing American gung-ho ideals (Hi there, Bill O’Reilly cameo!) while pontificating endlessly about the true nature of freedom and how the military is the only hope the Western world has. Bay still hasn’t lost his knack for filming a woman’s ass with a tight close up, and the violence on display here is pretty depressing if one stops to think of the mechanics behind it. It doesn’t matter if a robot or a human is being taken out, but they are almost undoubtedly beheaded or killed with a point blank head shot after being tortured first. It doesn’t help that the film’s first hour (of its completely unnecessary two hour and forty minute running time) is deathly dull and largely devoid of anything special. Oh, and the racism that many people claim marred the second film is still largely on display, but this time instead of jive talking robots, they all have European accents, so that makes it, you know, all good, right? Oh, and there is an astoundingly unfunny gay panic scene with cinema’s current favourite gay panic Asian Ken Jeong (playing a guy named Wang!), who needs to stop taking roles like this before he loses what little of the Community-based good will that I have for him.

Let’s move on to the positives. This film is stupid. It is absolutely in love with how incredibly stupid it is and revels in knowing that the audience just wants to see robots fighting, buildings crumbling, and things just blowing up all over the place. Bay, who is actually an auteur when it comes to this kind of film, is back in full Bad Boys 2 mode when it comes to the action set pieces, and his filmmaking has astoundingly improved. A lot of Bay’s newfound technical prowess actually comes from the fact that he was working with 3D cameras this time around. While it is debatable if this film really even needs the 3D, it forced the director to not adopt his usual quick cutting style. The end result is a Transformers film where one can actually see the robots in great detail for longer takes that don’t cut away immediately. Some of the fight sequences are still a blur of metal and blood-like oil spraying about, but for the most part, the action is top notch. The effects department and the stunt guys seem to have worked overtime to avoid the visual pandemonium of the previous film. The story is patently ridiculous, but it still manages a few clever twists along the way that up the stakes considerably. It helps that the cast all seem to know exactly what kind of film they are in. In addition to returning faces like LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro (who goes even further off the deep end with his character here, complete with a bodyguard played by an underutilized Alan Tudyk), there are some great supporting performances from series newcomers Frances McDormand (as an NSA operative) and John Malkovich (as Sam’s new boss). The film also ends on a resolute note that is refreshing despite the chuckle worthy speech at the end of the film.

On one hand, the hand that controls my sense of logic and good taste, Dark of the Moon is one of the absolute worst things I have seen in years that simultaneously offended and saddened me. On the other hand, the one that absolutely loves cheesy action films and deep down gets some sort of sick pleasure out of seeing Michael Bay bring his A-game, Dark of the Moon is one of the most entertaining films of the summer. Looking for anything remotely resembling “good” would be asking a lot of this film. Don’t go in expecting anything close to “quality.” If you are looking for something that is “fun” or are looking for something to watch while on a sugar high, in the middle of an alcoholic bender, or while doing peyote, this is the greatest movie ever made.

To celebrate the DVD and Blu-ray release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Jeff, Joel, Lucas and Will discuss all things Transformers. From the original 80′s cartoon and comics to the toys and the recent live-action films we’ve got our giant shape-shifting alien robot bases well covered.

Download: Dork Shelf Podcast 12 (29 MB, MP3, 42:30)
Subscribe: Dork Shelf Podcast RSS Feed
Listen:

Programme:

• 0:00 — Segue from the last podcast
• 0:30 — “Another Life” by Kano
• 1:30 — Transformers movies, comics, TV show
• 28:15 — “Theme from Transformers” by Russell Lieblich
• 29:00 — More about Transformers
• 41:45 — “Flaming Heart” by Meat Puppets

Discussed:

• Nothin’ but Transformers

Click here to view the embedded video.

The HISHE team clearly has a love for Transformers, Michael Bay could learn a thing or two from them.

Via /Film

I had been debating whether or not I should even bother reviewing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; the new Transformers film has been almost universally panned by critics, but is doing gangbusters at the box office.  Should people even try to critique a film like Transformers 2?  It is a film almost entirely bereft of any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  With a completely nonsensical plot, Transformers is a loud, racist, misogynist explosion fest; My every sense and sensibility was offended.  But others have already stated this, for the most part I share their opinion that Transformers 2 is a genuinely unpleasant experience most of the time.  However, as much as I wanted to hate the movie, the ridiculously amazing robot battles (of which there are many) always brought out that 10 year old boy in me.

Like most boys born in the 1980′s, I grew up watching Transformers and playing with the toys.  I still have many of my original Transformers proudly displayed on my dork shelf to this day.  The toy commercial… I mean cartoon was an indelible part of my childhood;  Optimus Prime was a childhood hero to me.  The kid in me is really happy to see these characters brought to life on the big screen, and it’s even more awesome to hear Peter Cullen (the original voice of Prime) reprise his role as the iconic big bot.

Michael Bay’s obsession with the United States military really shines in this film.  Bay shoots fighter jets and tanks like he shoots the women in the film— like he’s performing a sexual act on them with the camera.  Bay makes the film feel downright pornographic at times.  I’m pretty sure the guy sitting behind me at the theatre was performing a sexual act on himself during the film; every time Megan Fox was on the screen he would either cat-call, yell her name or say something along the lines of, “Look at those tits!”.  Yes, nearly every shot of Megan Fox is either her bending down or running in slow-motion, but keep it in your pants sir!  While I agree that Fox is very nice to look at, such lewd behaviour from the audience pretty bad; a tribute to Michael Bay’s filmmaking I suppose.

The Good

If there is one good thing I can say about the new Transformers film, it is that it really delivers the goods when it comes to robot-on-robot battles.  They fight and they fight often.  The fights are always absolutely brutal, the film would easily be rated a hard R if this were human-on-human violence, but since they’re robots it’s okay.  Industrial Light & Magic is to be commended for their amazing work, the Autobots and Decepticons have real size and weight to them, the true scale of these massive robots is conveyed very well.  My childhood self would have gone into convulsions had I beheld such awesomeness.

The robots are also better characterized this time around.  I was never confused as to which bot was which—with the exception of the generic proto-form Decepticons that show up at the film’s finale, mainly to provide ample cannon fodder.  Fans of Megatron and Starscream bickering will not be disappointed, as the two have several scenes together.

Shia LaBeouf,  I just can’t hate this guy.  He’s genuinely entertaining to watch and manages to hold his own against giant alien robots.

The Bad

Far be it for me to expect any semblance of verisimilitude from a summer blockbuster—or a Michael Bay film dealing with giant alien robots that turn into vehicles for that matter—but some of the leaps Bay expects the viewers to accept are just unbelievable.  I have been to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC, many people have.  What I do know for a fact, is that there is no desert resembling Arizona out behind said museum.  I also know that one cannot run in the span of five minutes from the ruins of Petra in Jordan to the Great Pyramids in Egypt.  Nor are Ivy League schools populated entirely by aspiring model/actress types, with nary an ugly or even average looking person in sight.  I really need to remember that I’m talking about a Michael Bay movie though, and not take it so seriously.

The IMAX version of the film uses the IMAX cameras to great effect in several sequences; notably Optimus Prime’s battle against the Decepticons in the forest.  However, during the films finale, Michael Bay’s shoot from the hip style of filmmaking really makes the IMAX feel awkward.  The aspect ratio would quickly change from a normal 35mm anamorphic to the 1.44:1 IMAX ratio between shots and then back again.  This made it a very disorienting and distracting experience for the audience, having the screen size almost double for a split second and then revert back to normal.  <cite>The Dark Knight</cite> did it right; only using IMAX for establishing shots and extended sequences.  Michael Bay really needs to learn how to apply IMAX more effectively.

The story is non-existent and logical plot points are thrown to the wayside so the director can include another sexy shot of Megan Fox, a robot or some heavily armed piece of military hardware.  Don’t even bother to try and follow the story: robots fight and stuff explodes, that’s all you need to know.

The Unforgivable

Skids and Mudflap; the twin robots are meant to provide comic relief in the film.  What they instead provide is a horrific racial stereotype of African-Americans.  Both have exaggerated ears and lips, one has a gold tooth, and when they’re not jive-talking for comedic effect they’re constantly bickering and fighting with one another over inconsequential things. It’s totally inappropriate, and no one seems to want to take responsibility for these blatantly racist depictions. Michael Bay has argued that because the characters are robots, they are exempt from any kind of racial connotations. Judge for yourself if you see the film.

Maybe this is reading too much into the film, but the movie literally ends with the entire might of the United States military; all of their latest weaponry and best soldiers, being used to blow up the Great Pyramids — arguably the best known symbol of the Middle-East. I’m probably giving Michael Bay too much credit, but there are clear allegorical implications to this visual. But hey, the movie had tits, robots and explosions… why should that matter?

Can’t we all just get along guys? I know this war of words helps build buzz for your respective movies, but if you’d just put aside your egos and made a killer robot movie together we wouldn’t be in this situation. If only a Transforminators movie existed, it might look something like this.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I would go see that movie.

Click here to view the embedded video.

What a delicious little send up of Michael Bay and company.  Sadly this is not a real film(SHOCK!), but in a few years when the studios start to run out of 1980′s kids cartoons to defile, I’m sure we’ll eventually see a My Little Pony movie.

On April 29th, Paramount Pictures will be presenting special one-time screenings of Michael Bay‘s 2007 Transformers film in cities across North America.  Attached to the film will be the new trailer for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.  Toronto will be getting the IMAX version of the film and trailer because we’re lucky enough to be one of the top 5 markets in North America.

But don’t just show up to The Paramount…*ahem* Scotiabank Theatre at 7pm on April 29th since you’ll need a ticket. Paramount has posted an email address for each city where you can RSVP for tickets on a first-come-first-serve basis.  Update: Click Here To Get the RSVP email address.

Torontonions RSVP To: Marketing_Interncda@paramount.com

Transformers Screening Locations and Times

Los Angeles: 7pm at The Bridge Cinema De Lux, in IMAX
New York: 8pm at AMC Loew Lincoln Square in IMAX
San Francisco: 7pm at AMC Metreon in IMAX
Chicago: 8pm at Navy Pier in IMAX
Toronto: 7pm at Scotiabank in IMAX
Philadelphia: 7pm at UA King of Prussia in DIGITAL
Washington DC: 7pm at AMC Georgetown in DIGITAL
Dallas: 7pm at Cinemark Movies 17 in 35MM
Boston: 7pm at AMC Boston Common in 35MM
Phoenix: 7pm at Harkins Tempe Marketplace in Tempe in DIGITAL
Seattle: 7pm at Cinerama in 35MM
Atlanta: 7pm at Regal Atlantic Station in 35MM
Miami: 7pm at AMC Sunset in South Miami in 35MM
Detroit: 7pm ar Emagine Novi in Novi, MI in DIGITAL
San Diego: 7pm at Regal Edwards Mira Mesa in 35MM
Denver: 7pm at UA Colorado Center in 35MM
Sacramento: 7pm at UA Market Square in 35MM
Orlando: 7pm at Premiere Fashion Sq Mall in DIGITAL
Minneapolis: 7pm at AMC Southdale in Edina in 35MM
Baltimore: 7pm at AMC White Marsh in 35MM