It’s time for some “real talk”, guys. I can’t think of any other way to approach this review. I will keep it brief since Transformers: Dark of the Moon director Michael Bay can’t seem to do it himself. Do you just want to see some shit blow up? If you answered in the affirmative, then you will probably greatly enjoy this film a whole lot more than the second entry in the franchise since you will actually be able to SEE what is happening for a change. Everyone else looking for anything more than that can look elsewhere because that is all you are going to get from this astoundingly pretty, but astoundingly empty, incoherent, nonsensical and excessive film.

I know, Michael Bay made an excessive film? “The hell?”, you say with all the incredulity in the world. It isn’t exactly a good thing or a bad thing. In fact, I am struggling at the moment with what I even thought of the film. Quite frankly, this film might have broken my brain entirely. Again, that isn’t a good or a bad thing. While there is some undeniable entertainment value in the third film in the Transformers franchise, there is so much about it that I detested and made me want to gnaw my own hands off. One moment I openly wanted to stab myself in the chest with my pen, and then the next moment I was just in awe with the sheer spectacle of what I was seeing. Uneven doesn’t begin to cover this film, nor does any synonym for it.

The story at the heart of Dark of the Moon really isn’t a bad one in theory, but it is botched in terms of practice and common sense. It turns out that the Apollo 11 mission was actually a cover by the United States government to retrieve pieces of an alien craft that crashed into the moon. On this ship was Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), one of the good guy Autobots, who was protecting a bunch of pillars that could resurrect the home planet of these robots in disguise. Or something like that. I can’t fully distill the plot of this movie into words (and writer Ehren Kruger seems to have a Joe Eszterhas-like level of not caring to deliver a coherent story or even a single line of believable dialogue), but apparently something really terrible will happen if the evil Decepticons get their hands on them. Like, something that could destroy the Earth by letting them land their planet on top of ours and could lead to the enslavement of the human race. All of this really puts a dent into the life of the unassuming hero of the series, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) who is just trying to get a post-university job, gain some respect for saving the world twice before, and is trying to keep his new girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, an actual big step down from Megan Fox, but at least a different character) from running away with her sleazy car collector boss (Patrick Dempsey, who is having more fun on screen being a jerk than should be legally allowed).

Let’s start with the negatives first. This movie is stupid. Absolutely 1,010% brainless with not a single thing that makes a lick of sense even in a fantasy realm. The plot is so nonsensical and illogical that it’s almost a work of art. The film continues with Bay’s need to fetishize right wing American gung-ho ideals (Hi there, Bill O’Reilly cameo!) while pontificating endlessly about the true nature of freedom and how the military is the only hope the Western world has. Bay still hasn’t lost his knack for filming a woman’s ass with a tight close up, and the violence on display here is pretty depressing if one stops to think of the mechanics behind it. It doesn’t matter if a robot or a human is being taken out, but they are almost undoubtedly beheaded or killed with a point blank head shot after being tortured first. It doesn’t help that the film’s first hour (of its completely unnecessary two hour and forty minute running time) is deathly dull and largely devoid of anything special. Oh, and the racism that many people claim marred the second film is still largely on display, but this time instead of jive talking robots, they all have European accents, so that makes it, you know, all good, right? Oh, and there is an astoundingly unfunny gay panic scene with cinema’s current favourite gay panic Asian Ken Jeong (playing a guy named Wang!), who needs to stop taking roles like this before he loses what little of the Community-based good will that I have for him.

Let’s move on to the positives. This film is stupid. It is absolutely in love with how incredibly stupid it is and revels in knowing that the audience just wants to see robots fighting, buildings crumbling, and things just blowing up all over the place. Bay, who is actually an auteur when it comes to this kind of film, is back in full Bad Boys 2 mode when it comes to the action set pieces, and his filmmaking has astoundingly improved. A lot of Bay’s newfound technical prowess actually comes from the fact that he was working with 3D cameras this time around. While it is debatable if this film really even needs the 3D, it forced the director to not adopt his usual quick cutting style. The end result is a Transformers film where one can actually see the robots in great detail for longer takes that don’t cut away immediately. Some of the fight sequences are still a blur of metal and blood-like oil spraying about, but for the most part, the action is top notch. The effects department and the stunt guys seem to have worked overtime to avoid the visual pandemonium of the previous film. The story is patently ridiculous, but it still manages a few clever twists along the way that up the stakes considerably. It helps that the cast all seem to know exactly what kind of film they are in. In addition to returning faces like LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro (who goes even further off the deep end with his character here, complete with a bodyguard played by an underutilized Alan Tudyk), there are some great supporting performances from series newcomers Frances McDormand (as an NSA operative) and John Malkovich (as Sam’s new boss). The film also ends on a resolute note that is refreshing despite the chuckle worthy speech at the end of the film.

On one hand, the hand that controls my sense of logic and good taste, Dark of the Moon is one of the absolute worst things I have seen in years that simultaneously offended and saddened me. On the other hand, the one that absolutely loves cheesy action films and deep down gets some sort of sick pleasure out of seeing Michael Bay bring his A-game, Dark of the Moon is one of the most entertaining films of the summer. Looking for anything remotely resembling “good” would be asking a lot of this film. Don’t go in expecting anything close to “quality.” If you are looking for something that is “fun” or are looking for something to watch while on a sugar high, in the middle of an alcoholic bender, or while doing peyote, this is the greatest movie ever made.

I had been debating whether or not I should even bother reviewing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; the new Transformers film has been almost universally panned by critics, but is doing gangbusters at the box office.  Should people even try to critique a film like Transformers 2?  It is a film almost entirely bereft of any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  With a completely nonsensical plot, Transformers is a loud, racist, misogynist explosion fest; My every sense and sensibility was offended.  But others have already stated this, for the most part I share their opinion that Transformers 2 is a genuinely unpleasant experience most of the time.  However, as much as I wanted to hate the movie, the ridiculously amazing robot battles (of which there are many) always brought out that 10 year old boy in me.

Like most boys born in the 1980′s, I grew up watching Transformers and playing with the toys.  I still have many of my original Transformers proudly displayed on my dork shelf to this day.  The toy commercial… I mean cartoon was an indelible part of my childhood;  Optimus Prime was a childhood hero to me.  The kid in me is really happy to see these characters brought to life on the big screen, and it’s even more awesome to hear Peter Cullen (the original voice of Prime) reprise his role as the iconic big bot.

Michael Bay’s obsession with the United States military really shines in this film.  Bay shoots fighter jets and tanks like he shoots the women in the film— like he’s performing a sexual act on them with the camera.  Bay makes the film feel downright pornographic at times.  I’m pretty sure the guy sitting behind me at the theatre was performing a sexual act on himself during the film; every time Megan Fox was on the screen he would either cat-call, yell her name or say something along the lines of, “Look at those tits!”.  Yes, nearly every shot of Megan Fox is either her bending down or running in slow-motion, but keep it in your pants sir!  While I agree that Fox is very nice to look at, such lewd behaviour from the audience pretty bad; a tribute to Michael Bay’s filmmaking I suppose.

The Good

If there is one good thing I can say about the new Transformers film, it is that it really delivers the goods when it comes to robot-on-robot battles.  They fight and they fight often.  The fights are always absolutely brutal, the film would easily be rated a hard R if this were human-on-human violence, but since they’re robots it’s okay.  Industrial Light & Magic is to be commended for their amazing work, the Autobots and Decepticons have real size and weight to them, the true scale of these massive robots is conveyed very well.  My childhood self would have gone into convulsions had I beheld such awesomeness.

The robots are also better characterized this time around.  I was never confused as to which bot was which—with the exception of the generic proto-form Decepticons that show up at the film’s finale, mainly to provide ample cannon fodder.  Fans of Megatron and Starscream bickering will not be disappointed, as the two have several scenes together.

Shia LaBeouf,  I just can’t hate this guy.  He’s genuinely entertaining to watch and manages to hold his own against giant alien robots.

The Bad

Far be it for me to expect any semblance of verisimilitude from a summer blockbuster—or a Michael Bay film dealing with giant alien robots that turn into vehicles for that matter—but some of the leaps Bay expects the viewers to accept are just unbelievable.  I have been to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC, many people have.  What I do know for a fact, is that there is no desert resembling Arizona out behind said museum.  I also know that one cannot run in the span of five minutes from the ruins of Petra in Jordan to the Great Pyramids in Egypt.  Nor are Ivy League schools populated entirely by aspiring model/actress types, with nary an ugly or even average looking person in sight.  I really need to remember that I’m talking about a Michael Bay movie though, and not take it so seriously.

The IMAX version of the film uses the IMAX cameras to great effect in several sequences; notably Optimus Prime’s battle against the Decepticons in the forest.  However, during the films finale, Michael Bay’s shoot from the hip style of filmmaking really makes the IMAX feel awkward.  The aspect ratio would quickly change from a normal 35mm anamorphic to the 1.44:1 IMAX ratio between shots and then back again.  This made it a very disorienting and distracting experience for the audience, having the screen size almost double for a split second and then revert back to normal.  <cite>The Dark Knight</cite> did it right; only using IMAX for establishing shots and extended sequences.  Michael Bay really needs to learn how to apply IMAX more effectively.

The story is non-existent and logical plot points are thrown to the wayside so the director can include another sexy shot of Megan Fox, a robot or some heavily armed piece of military hardware.  Don’t even bother to try and follow the story: robots fight and stuff explodes, that’s all you need to know.

The Unforgivable

Skids and Mudflap; the twin robots are meant to provide comic relief in the film.  What they instead provide is a horrific racial stereotype of African-Americans.  Both have exaggerated ears and lips, one has a gold tooth, and when they’re not jive-talking for comedic effect they’re constantly bickering and fighting with one another over inconsequential things. It’s totally inappropriate, and no one seems to want to take responsibility for these blatantly racist depictions. Michael Bay has argued that because the characters are robots, they are exempt from any kind of racial connotations. Judge for yourself if you see the film.

Maybe this is reading too much into the film, but the movie literally ends with the entire might of the United States military; all of their latest weaponry and best soldiers, being used to blow up the Great Pyramids — arguably the best known symbol of the Middle-East. I’m probably giving Michael Bay too much credit, but there are clear allegorical implications to this visual. But hey, the movie had tits, robots and explosions… why should that matter?