The second annual Star Wars Day TO will take place at the Toronto Underground Cinema on Friday, May 4th, 2012 (Get it? May 4th?) with all proceeds from the event going to the SickKids Foundation. The goal is to bring together Star Wars fans of all ages and levels of interest. This family-friendly event celebrates the series through fan-created materials and activities including costume contests, trivia, special guests, prizes and more.

For your chance to win, simply email contest@dorkshelf.com with STAR WARS DAY TO in the subject heading. Please, no multiple entries. For an additional chance to win, like the contest announcement on our Facebook page or re-Tweet the contest announcement on Twitter. Deadline for entries is Thursday, May 3rd at 11:59pm. May the Force be with you!

In the meantime, be sure to check out Star Wars Day TO on Twitter,  Facebook, and Tumblr.

Aside from the rarity of being a twin (roughly only 33 out of every thousand births are multiples of any kind), being born at the same time as another human being imparts a special bond that people born through single births simply can’t understand. Growing side by side as their bodies develop turns into growing older at the same rate and often going through the same familial issues. It’s the shared experience of brothers and sisters – complete with different personalities and personal quirks – amplified even further through closer proximity. But what happens when someone’s biological other half passes away?

This is the question director and twin Anna van der Wee looks at in her hour long documentary Lone Twin (airing Wednesday, February 15th at 9pm on TVO), a deeply personal and soul searching look her own loss and struggles to come to terms with a fractured sense of identity following the loss of her brother Dirk when they were only twenty years old. Anna, who always acted as the wild child to Dirk’s calm loner, takes stock of failed past relationships that she sees now as not working out because she was always searching for a replacement to Dirk. She talks at length about feeling alienated from her family after her parents and older sister monopolized their grief to the point where they acknowledged Dirk’s death, but not the fact that Anna was still alive, the scarring from which Anna admits hurts almost worse than Dirk’s passing.

Following a brief look at twins through history (from the Greek mythology of Cator and Pollux to the modern mythology of Luke and Leia Skywalker) and interviews with various twins talking about their deep personal bonds, Anna sets out in search of other “lone twins” and talks to experts (many of which are also twins) about personal identity following the death of such an extremely close loved one. A particularly bittersweet section of the film finds Anna talking to Graeme, a sweet and lovable Star Wars cosplayer (complete with a really awesome Boba Fett costume) who only lost his brother two years ago. With the memory still fresh, Graeme constantly wonders if he should hold back introducing himself to people as a twin since it was a huge part of his identity that suddenly doesn’t exist anymore.

The first part of the film takes a little while to get going, but as it gets more and more personal, Lone Twin offers some keen insight into a world that few people outside of those living within it can really comprehend. Anna van der Wee does a great job behind the camera telling a story equal parts personal and universal, while never shying away from people in her past telling her answers she doesn’t necessarily want to hear. Lone Twin equates losing a twin sibling as losing a family member, a best friend, and part of one’s soul at the same time, and it does a fine job showing just how awful that truly sounds.

Lone Twin airs on TVO Wednesday February 15th at 9pm on TVO.

Gavin Stephens is back, and not a moment to soon! On this episode of the Fortress, Gavin sends an emotional letter to George Lucas concerning the release of Star Wars on Blu-ray.

Festivities include:

★ photos with the Stormtroopers of the 501st Legion

★ the world’s best remixes, mash-ups, parodies, and tributes ON THE BIG SCREEN!

★ original, vintage 35mm prints of all three Original Trilogy trailers

★ costume contest

★ Original Trilogy Trivia Game Show where you, the audience, plays for big prizes.

Thanks to our supporters at Harth TV, Sticker You, Guerilla Printing, Teletoon, Silver Snail, and West49, we have a bunch of AMAZING prizes to give way.

This is the first edition of what we hope will be an annual event for the community in Toronto to celebrate the legacy of one of the greatest stories ever told.

May the Fourth Be With You!

Official event page here and Facebook event page here.

Last month the Dork Shelf crew had a chance to invade Wizard World Toronto and a fun time was had by all. I got to interview some lovely people, including Andy Belanger from Kill Shakespeare, as well as as Mike Stoklasa from Red Letter Media (largely famous as the voice of Harry Plinkett the film critic).

Both of these gentlemen were amazing to talk to, and I’m happy they let me pick their brains despite me being quite sick from a flu bug. Enjoy the interviews!

We’ll be adding more interviews in the coming weeks, but in the mean time you can enjoy our highlight reel from the convention here.

While Gavin was away on tour, Jess and Jeff had an opportunity to talk with Heather Labonte from Teletoon. In this episode we explore Star Wars fandom, “May the Force be with Katie“, and the pitch returns with a surprising results. We also geek out over our favourite retro shows and some upcoming news about Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Download: GeekNerdDork Cast – Episode 7 (90.9 MB, MP3, 106:08)
Subscribe on iTunes: GeekNerdDork

Listen:

Be sure to follow Teletoon on Facebook and Twitter. Also be sure to check out Superfan Friday starting at 8 pm every Friday night.

Send any and all feedback, questions, suggestions and/or complaints to our email address: g33k.n3rd.d0rk@gmail.com

Big thanks to our friend DJ FINISH HIM for providing the title track to the podcast.
You can hear more of his music here.

Friend GND on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @G33KN3RDD0RK.

Narwhal Art Projects is pleased to present Hibernation Sickness, a solo exhibition with Toronto collective Team Macho. Hibernation Sickness marks the collective’s notable return to fine art after a two year sabbatical dedicated to their individual pursuits. A term used to describe the side effects associated with awakening from a period of suspended animation, Team Macho related similar type symptoms when returning to their group practice. Although their creative environment has remained virtually unchanged for the past six years with all members continuing to create out of the legendary shared space, the dynamic within the collective altered as each member developed their individual practice. Embarking on solo projects ranging from classical oil painting to collage to airbrush and woodworking, the collective dedicated themselves completely to a specific practice allowing for a deeper understanding of both themselves and their techniques. Team Macho return to their communal fine art practice with five unique sets of sharply honed skills and a renewed passion for their shared creative dynamic. Steadfast in their loyalty and mutual appreciation for contemporary cultural references, Hibernation Sickness is an homage to rebel fighters, and celebrates the continued evolution of the Team Macho brotherhood.

Comprised of members Nicholas Aoki, G. Stephen Appleby-Barr, Christopher Buchan, Lauchie Reid and Jacob Whibley, Team Macho occupies a large studio in Toronto, where their collective efforts are focused on developing an art-making practice that spans the worlds of both fine art and illustration. With a penchant for using unconventional materials and subverted narratives, Team Macho playfully juxtapose styles and motifs ranging from the crudely rendered to the classically painted. Working with a wide range of media, Team Macho’s diverse offerings convey a decidedly unorthodox and individual approach where figurative painting, drawing, airbrush, collage and sculpture find harmony within the group’s infinite reserve of inside jokes and prolific banter. Team Macho have exhibited at Magic Pony and Narwhal Art Projects since 2005, with Friends for Life (June 2005), Team Macho is a Tough Man (May 2006), Fancy Action Now (May 2007) and Kitschy, Gay, And Over In a Second (September 2008). Magic Pony published their first monograph in 2007, entitled Fancy Action Now: The Art of Team Macho.

Facebook Event Page

Star Wars fans have been looking forward to the release of this game all year. Was the wait worth it or will The Force Unleashed II be the video game equivalent of the Phantom Menace?

After months of waiting and viewing incredible teaser trailers, die-hard Wars fans (myself included) could finally breathe a sigh of relief as The Force Unleashed II hit the shelves yesterday. Sadly though, those fans were met with what can only be seen as a weak attempt at a sequel and a blatant cash grab. LucasArts assured gamers that this time around they would experience a game that was focused on taking control of a super-powered Jedi and less about interactive environments and finicky controls. However, whatever improvements were made from the first game are overshadowed by a story that lacks any depth and is a smack in the face to the award winning narrative of the original. The game lacks the copious amounts of ‘epicness’ that gamers were promised and serves only to mash and paste together bits from Star Wars canon in an vain attempt to provide fan service. The game’s ending comes quickly and abruptly, leaving the impression that LucasArts is only concerned with setting up a sequel. Rather than polishing the game and pouring their resources into the task at hand, which would have made for a better game.

The story starts off with a revived Starkiller locked up at a cloning facility on the planet Kamino. Or is it Starkiller? If you remember the ending of the original Force Unleashed, Starkiller was killed by the Emperor after initiating the organization of the rebels.

Enter Darth Vader, who reveals to our confused protagonist that he is nothing more than the latest iteration in a series of failed test tube experiments in his diabolical scheme to successfully clone a Jedi army. Starkiller refuses to believe Vader’s ploy, but unfortunately for players, we never do find out the truth. That’s not a spoiler but a crystal clear example of the type of writing and direction makes up the remainder of the game. Vader attempts to get the Starkiller clone to hate everything the real Starkiller cared for, mainly his love for Rebel captain Juno Eclipse. The apprentice quickly gives Vader a lightning shock and a force push to the gut, blows a hole in the side of the building and heads off to reconnect with Juno and rebel leader General Kota.

The Force Unleashed 2’s Starkiller is a beast of a Jedi. If Darth Vader is the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy and has the highest midichlorians count, than Starkiller is made of midichlorians. Where most sequels find a way to temporarily nerf the main character’s abilities and powers they built up in the previous game – only to have him gradually regain them; Starkiller’s force powers run rampant and continue right where they left off. He crumples TIE fighters like sheets of paper, shifts chunks of fallen Star Destroyers with ease and is able to withstand an impossible fall from planetary reentry. As fun as that is to experience and watch, choosing to continue with Starkiller’s ridiculous power levels acts as a blessing and a curse. Gamers will no doubt enjoy being able to run through this game as one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy but it creates a feeling of limited growth for the character.

LucasArts has streamlined the Force Power upgrades for this game, which are much less clunky and cleaner than the previous installment. However, this again creates the feeling that your character goes through very little growth and power advancement. The new options make it feel like there is far less to choose from within the Force Power sets. You essentially start off with everything you had at the end of the previous game, and will spend the remainder of the game mashing away to collect enough experience to upgrade the three levels it requires to master every skill.

Also new to this game are duel light sabers. With this, gamers now have the choice to assign different saber crystals to specific hands, e.g. you can have your left hand saber increase your force power experience with every kill, while the right hand saber gives you the chance to shock or incinerate an enemy. If you are able to collect two of the same saber crystals you can put them in each light saber and collect or impose double effects. It also creates some beautiful colour combinations when mixed and matched.

Many people who played the first game had a lot of issues with the combat, and while LucasArts did correct these issues in the sequel, there is little else different about the two games. Those expecting The Force Unleashed II to really push the limits of creativity and innovation, will be greatly disappointed; this installment feels more like a mish-mash of God of War and Castlevania: Lords of Shadow style gameplay without any of the epic scope associated with those games. Gamers who were left frustrated by the original Force Unleashed will surely be praising it now, in comparison to its lackluster sequel.

The Good

The tweaks they have made to the combat targeting make the game much more streamlined. Fewer interactive environments give the game more focus, with fewer “sandbox” distractions for the player. The addition of the Mind Control force power is also amusingly awesome.

The level designs and character models in Force Unleashed II are stunning and incredibly visceral. The eye candy really pulls you into the surrounding environments. The cut scenes look beautiful and rival the best that other games have offered. Having just finished playing Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – a game that has unbelievable visuals and extremely well done animated scenes – The Force Unleashed II is right there with it. After watching them, the fan boy in me was left longing for a full-length Force Unleashed animated film similar to Final Fantasy: Advent Children.

The Bad

The original game featured a breadth of levels and foes to face off against. You truly got the sense that it was a quest across the galaxy, filled with vibrant and diverse levels and enemy types. The opposition in Force Unleashed II quickly become repetitive and is very limited in scope, most of which you will come across within the first chapter or two.
In addition, the game will only take you to a meager four locations: Kamino, the floating city of Cato Neimoidia, the spaceship Salvation, back to Kamino (boooo!) and Dagobah.

Dagobah!? Sweet, that means Yoda’s in the game? Yes he is! For one whole minute. The Dagobah level is a complete joke. It lasts all of six minutes and provides no enemies, zero puzzles and exists only to have Yoda act as the bouncer to a cave entrance and for Starkiller to pick up a bunch of saber cubes, force experience and one great, but short cut-scene. The level serves no purpose in progressing the plot and is only there to provide a brief and pointless cameo for Yoda.

Although LucasArts did improve on the finicky mechanics from the previous game, the combat quickly becomes bland as the game only applies cookie cutter strategies for defeating different enemy types. For example, enemy X can only be defeated by saber attacks and enemy Y can only be defeated with Force powers etc.

The Force Unleashed II also implemented their version of a CQC attack (close quarters combat) which when used initiates one of two animated kill scenes. At first this was a welcomed addition but like so many other aspects of the game, became repetitive and boring very quickly – as these two maneuvers are rarely blocked by enemies it eliminates the need to change any combat tactics. Instead of choosing to create a diverse tactical approach to combating enemies, the developers have created a combat system that encourages the player to do nothing more than spam the same attacks and throws against certain enemy types. There is no strategy, no tactics involved, and limited thought required. Which is great if you’re looking to sit back and just Force Power your way through, but numerous times I found myself wishing there were moments that required some aspect of stealth or tactically eliminating my enemies.

With the vast Star Wars canon to draw from it’s incredibly disappointing to see how little there is in this game. Repetitive enemy models, limited generic levels and super-charged force powers that eliminate the need for tactical and immersive gameplay, the whole experience was all very disheartening. Not to mention the game is short. Damn short. On normal difficulty it took me little more than five hours to finish. The end comes abruptly and leaves you wondering if this is really the end? How could I have waited eight months, paid over $60 and only got 5 hours and four levels?

The final battle with Darth Vader is split up into two sections that take place in the cloning facility on Kamino: Vader evading Starkiller’s attacks while he summons hordes of clones and a one-on-one up close and personal battle with the baddest dude in the galaxy. The former is bland and drawn out, while the latter is quickly finished and you’ll face very little resistance. It’s basically a button mash dispersed between dialogue exchanges and animated attack sequences. I don’t think I pressed block once. Vader just lurches around the map at a geriatric pace while you’re given free reign to unload on him.

The option to choose a dark side ending and a light side ending is once again given to the player at the end of the game, depending on your choice you will be given one of two endings, neither of which explains anything or gives you any closure.

Conclusion

Maybe I’m too much a Star Wars fan and just expected too much. If you’re just looking for something that’s relatively passive in terms of gaming, this might be for you. Despite my bias, I will admit, it is damn good fun – and every Star Wars fans dream – to be able to control a Jedi with such devastating abilities. You get to perform ridiculously overpowered Force techniques and do everything you wish they could have done in the movies. Tossing stormtroopers like toothpicks over ledges, crushing AT-STs with relative ease and lopping off heads (yes, there is decapitation in this one) is all good fun, but if you’re looking for the same great narrative and story that drove the first game, sadly this is not that sequel.

As I played through this game I couldn’t help but become overwhelmed with the thought of “Oh, what could have been”; if there were only more tactics involved, or harder puzzles and a better continuation of this segment of Star Wars lore. I kept thinking how incredible the Force Unleashed series would be with a Knights of the Old Republic or Mass Effect like dialogue tree options.

The $90 Force Unleashed II Collector's Edition that I foolishly purchased. $90 for 5 hr of play and a cute little Starkiller USB key. (facepalm)

You’ll like this game if…

You enjoy lots of action, fast-paced combat and wave after wave of enemy combatant – no matter how generic and repetitive they may be. If you were a fan of the Star Wars prequel movies, you’ll probably have a good time with this game. If you’re looking for a game that has all the makings of a God of War or Arkham Asylum, but without the compelling and intense plot or the minutia of dozens of combo attacks, like in Bayonetta or Castlevania, you’ll enjoy this game.

Unless you are a die-hard Star Wars fan – and I caution you even at that – I wouldn’t recommend picking this one up. There is even less incentive for replay than the first game and for the price tag, there are plenty of other games out right now (or coming out) that your money would be better spent on. It’s not a terrible game, but it’s not the great sequel we were anticipating. This is a game to rent. Not to own.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Never has old-timey piano evoked such raw fear and emotion.

Via Dailymotion

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

This past weekend the steps of the Royal Ontario Museum played host to an epic battle between local Jedi Knights and Sith Lords. Thankfully, the combatants were of the wannabe variety and the lightsabers of the LED kind, so no one lost a limb or an eye to an errant bolt of force lightning.

The fine folks from Newmindspace—local purveyors of interactive urban art and fun—put on the gathering and provided LED lightsabers to the crowd for a small fee. Our very own Zack braved this wretched hive of scum and villainy to see what was what. Suffice it to say, many dorks died to bring us these photos…

Be sure to check out the Newmindspace site and Facebook group for info on more awesome events like this.

Hit the jump to see more photos from the epic LED Lightsaber Battle.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

Click to enlarge (Photo by Zack Kotzer)

It’s appropriate that I am writing this review on May 4th, also known as Star Wars Day—May the Fourth be with you…! *groan*

Before I talk about The People vs. George Lucas, let me first qualify my review with a short preamble about my relationship with Mr. Lucas.

May 18th, 1999. It’s raining, it’s cold and my friend Craig and I have been standing in line for nearly eight hours. We’re in line to see Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. There were hundreds of other people in line with us, all of whom either saw the original trilogy in theatres or grew up watching the films on VHS. The atmosphere was absolutely electric:  a new Star Wars movie had been made and we were about to see it. If only we’d known how disappointed we would be just hours later. Sheer excitement and anticipation would turn to confusion and anger. For me, the gravity of just how badly The Phantom Menace had sucked took some time to set in, but when it did, it was crushing. My 15 year old self couldn’t face my 7 year old self. “How could Star Wars suck?”, I wondered. “George? What happened?!”

The new doc The People vs. George Lucas aims to find out exactly what happened. The film is part biography of the filmmaker/CEO and part history of Star Wars as a cultural touchstone; featuring interviews with film critics, filmmakers and theorists, writers and pop culture experts, fanboys and professional dorks. Director Alexandre O. Philippe appropriately splits his film into several episodes. In episode one he uses archival footage, rare photos, and interviews with Lucas and contemporaries like Francis Ford Coppola to assemble a picture of a gifted and promising filmmaker. Episode two focuses on the fans of Star Wars and Indiana Jones and how important these films were to them. To see grown men, many now respected writers and creators in their own right, absolutely giddy and nostalgic talking about Star Wars sets up the last half of the film. The final few episodes focus on the corporatization of the Star Wars brand, the special editions, the hype leading up to the prequels and reaction against them. To see the same group of people, who thirty minutes earlier could hardly contain their child-like glee about Star Wars, turn around and spew such vitriol against Lucas and the prequels is shocking, but not unsurprising. You have to have loved Star Wars a lot, to hate the prequels the way most of the interviewees do.

One of the key questions the film asks is at what point does art not belong to the artist? The Star Wars films are so engrained in popular culture, that fans actually felt owed by George Lucas. The Flannelled One and his fans are equally responsible for this situation—They asked for it and he gave them more Star Wars; they didn’t like it, but they went to see it anyways! The documentary made me feel sorry for George Lucas (Yes, billions of dollars… World’s tiniest violin, I know) and fans alike. You have a genuinely talented filmmaker, trapped and cut-off from reality by his success, and an entire generation of fans whose expectations could not possibly have been met. Star Wars is as much a series of films as it is a cultural phenomen, but there was a point where it became something else: Star Wars became a business. Caught up in an empire of his own creation, George Lucas the filmmaker became, perhaps unwillingly or unknowingly, a businessman. The dorky kid from Modesto, California went from creating whimsy and adventure to dealing in hypocrisy and impossible promises. It’s depressing stuff, the story of George Lucas begins to sound disturbingly like the story of Anakain Skywalker, a talented young upstart seduced by the dark side.

My only gripe with the film, is that it’s slightly too long. Given that most of the film is dorks humourously complaining about George Lucas, the inclusion of clips from numerous Star Wars fan films really lightened the tone. Aside from that, if you are, or ever were a fan of Star Wars you should see The People vs. George Lucas. There are no excuses here, the film isn’t kind to Lucas. You’ll probably lose a lot of respect for the man after seeing it, but at least you’ll understand him better. You’ll also understand yourself, the fan, better than you did before. How can you indict a man who brought so much joy into your childhood? Ultimately, an artist does not owe anything to their audience; in that sense Star Wars belongs to George Lucas as much as it does to us. However, when that artist ceases to be an artist, what does he owe his audience then?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want an apology for Jar Jar Binks. No excuses for that, Mr. Lucas!

Every day, new people are born into this world. There’s a good chance most of these people have parents, and there’s an even better chance that their parents watched at least one Star Wars trilogy while growing up. These new parents are faced with all kinds of important decisions during their children’s formative years, none more divisive and controversial than the one I’m going to address today: What order do you show your offspring the Star Wars saga in?* Do you stick to the chronology in which they were made, dictating the order be episodes IV through VI followed by I to III? Or does one honour the ‘logical’ sequence of I through VI? I have come to the conclusion that neither of these billings are satisfactory, and the best solution is to use the zig zag narrative structure popular in today’s storytelling (my theory is that this was caused by a generation of writers heavily influenced by House of Pain’s ‘Jump Around’ ).

Those stuck with this task can now rest easy, as I’ve done their thinking for them.  Come with me as I show you the path and why it must be this way.

Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

The humble beginnings of where it truly all started still has something magical shine through all the seams, as its imperfections make it all the more endearing (I obviously belong to the ever growing contingent of fans that like to pretend the ‘special edition’ versions do not exist). Because it was simple but smart, cheesy but exciting, and made by people that would be thrilled just if it broke even at the box office, it has a charm that none of the others have. But because of all this, it’s also hard to tell if it will stand the test of time with new viewers who are used to a very different kind of Sci-Fi adventure and don’t have the nostalgic associations my generation has with this film.

I’m not sure exactly how much of the story Lucas says he had planned out at this point, but I hypothesize it’s far less than he would have us believe. That being said, it was an unquestionable stroke of genius to have those first flying letters tell audiences they’re about to watch the fourth chapter of a story, showing foresight as well as (can I say ‘a stroke of’?) cockiness on Lucas’ part.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

After seeing the lovable wise old wizard perish part way through IV, what better way to bring him back than with a spot-on performance by the youthful Ewan McGregor. Watching this one next will also make the parallels between Luke and Anakin’s upbringings a little more apparent without giving away the reveal at the end of the episode V, though an astute viewer may pick up on some of the clues.

Try as they may, not even a Fanboys can really capture what it was like to first see this films in theatres. As the most anticipated film of all time, I was so psyched for it that it wasn’t until multiple viewings that I realized most of it kind of sucks. But as they say, ‘wow them in the end, and you’ve got a hit’ and that it did. Everything that’s good about this film (particularly the John Williams score) culminates in the what is arguably the best lightsaber fight in the entire series. It’s so infuriating that this climactic fight is continually interrupted by THREE OTHER BATTLE SCENES! That’s just too many.

Perhaps my biggest complaint about the prequels, Phantom being the worst offender, is that Lucas really shrinks the universe by making more connections between the established characters than necessary (ie. Anakin building C-3PO). We all know is that it is set ‘long ago in a galaxy far far away’, but maybe when compared to other galaxies, it’s kind of like a remote, small town that’s really backwards and inbred.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

After viewing Episode I, you’ll probably need to bring out the big guns to keep them in their seats and caring about these characters again. Dante Hicks (as a surrogate for his creator, Kevin Smith) was the first I heard make the argument that Empire is the best Star Wars film. I wasn’t sure of it at the time, but I’ve since come to believe this wholeheartedly. Dante also said give credit where credit is due, and I believe much of the credit for this film’s success should go to screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan and director Irvin Kirshner. Not many people know these names, as George Lucas likes to act as though he is Star Wars (and not in the sense that he embodies many of the characteristics of Darth Vader, but that’s an entire post unto itself). I’ll give him credit as a powerful producer and maybe even say he’s a visionary, but the fact remains that the two strongest Star Wars films were the ones not written and directed solely by Lucas.

Seriously though, this is the best Star Wars movie. Hands down.

Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Since you’re leaving them with one of cinema’s all-time greatest cliffhangers and keeping Han Solo in carbonite for a few more movies, you may as well give them the satisfaction of the story behind the big reveal at the end of Empire. And since you haven’t shown VI yet, the end of this film will hold the next surprising development. I would argue that hearing the babies’ names in final minutes of this film is a much more dramatic way to divulge this information than through a somewhat boring conversation between Luke and Obi-Wan in the first half of VI.

This movie really comes down to five words: Hayden Christensen’s stumps on fire. I liken my first reaction to this scene to that of Seann William Scott when Will Ferrell shoots a tranq into his own neck in Old School. Following the other kid-friendly prequels, I embraced the darkness of this one. After all, I’ve never known a child that was afraid of a trade embargo, and in this movie the main character actually kills kids. We finally get a lot of the backstory that original films refer to. It takes its time getting there, but this is the second trilogy’s payoff: all the cool shit that has to go down before Episode IV, making it the strongest of the prequels, the first two just tread water and wait for this one.

Episode II: The Attack of the Clones (2002)

Some of you may be wondering why bother reversing II and III? To be honest, it doesn’t really matter where II goes, I’d almost be inclined to leave it out altogether, as nothing of any real consequence happens. Plus I think it would be cruel to go from the best to the worst like that. Perhaps I’m a bit too hard on Clones. To be fair, I haven’t actually watched any of it since the night it opened almost 8 years ago. I was so put off by the meandering romance, animated Yoda flips and countless other crap I’ve blocked out of my memory that I haven’t been able to go back yet. I’m actually very curious to see it again, the only part I remember liking was a badass showdown between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett. Note how McGregor played a part in every highlight of the prequels. If there were to be any future installments in this franchise, my vote would be for Episode Wan.

Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi (1983)

The last chapter and true emotional denouement of the saga. While the Obi-Wan/ Qui-Gon/ Maul three-way may be the most action filled fight, the final installment definitely has the most passion filled. I still get shivers every time Vader’s taunts bring Skywalker lunging out of the shadows, totally losing his shit like the big baby he his, but also kicking Vader’s ass at the same time. Everything gets wrapped up very nicely, and the payoff that appeased viewers of the original trilogy still works for the entire saga.

Now that their SW orientation is complete, they will finally understand what it means when people say ‘party like you’re at an Ewok rave with Lando after burning your Dad’s body.’  I don’t know what those Ewoks put in their drinks, but I hear if you drink enough you’ll see ghosts.

* this situation may also arise with young or foreign girlfriends**

** by ‘situation’ I mean introducing someone to all 6 films, not producing offspring***

*** you should still be safe, foreign girls can get pregnant too