Peter Berg’s Battleship has been constructed to do nothing more than act as a loud, noisy ass kicker of a movie. Almost nothing like the board game it gets its name from, it’s a tricked out, comically overblown American muscle car of a movie. Sleek, stylish, well-maintained, driven by pretty boys, fun to look at, but possibly annoying and tiresome if you have to stand next to one that spins its wheels for too long. It dispenses with things like “narrative credibility,” “reality,” and “science” within seconds of starting and it never looks back. It’s brazen, brash, and surprisingly far more entertaining than those Michael Bay Transformers films it will get compared to. It won’t stick in the viewer’s mind for very long, but if you’re willing to give in to its “go big or go home” style, you’ll be in for a real empty headed treat.

Lazy layabout Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) has been mooching off his military commander brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) for too long when he gets tazed by the police for breaking into a Hawaiian convenience store to steal a frozen chicken burrito for a random hottie in a bar. Fed up with his shenanigans, Stone forces Alex into joining him in the Navy where he’s a chronic screw up on the verge of getting kicked out. He’s also about to marry the girl from the bar (Brooklyn Decker), who just so happens to be the daughter of his commanding officer (Liam Neeson).

While out at sea (embarking from Pearl Harbor, no less) on the “military ballet” that is the RIMPAC naval championships involving navies from around the world (but really just Japan and the U.S.), a real threat arises when an alien threat from a “Goldilocks planet” (meaning not too hot, not too cold, and just the right distance from the sun) named Planet G lands in the ocean thanks to some nearby satellites that can help them take over the Earth or some shit like that. They set up a force-field around themselves, fly around in heavily fortified ships, and lay waste to most of the destroyers in the area, taking numerous lives. It’s up to the previously responsibility averse Alex to rise up and save the day.

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way early before we proceed, because thanks to the participation of Hasbro the Transformers comparisons won’t go away until we talk about them. Unlike the humourless and often icky work of Michael Bay, Berg (The Rundown, Hancock) understands how ridiculous his film is. Sure, there are some obvious surface level comparisons in terms of the film’s plot, creature design, and fawning over the military, but what it’s missing is Bay’s annoyingly right wing political viewpoint, his somewhat racist tendencies, and his sexualizing of female characters. Not once does the film stop to show some “loathsome” peacenik saying that there should be a diplomatic solution getting thrown under the ship, and the female characters are just as wooden and ill-defined as anyone else on the ship. Also the hilariously implausible and conceptually inane final act shows more love for the armed forces than any five seconds of any Bay film.

None of this means that Battleship isn’t overkill, though. The film does showcase its explosions and visual effects better than it does in the trailer, but after a while it becomes almost exhausting to watch no matter how good it looks. The sound design, oddly enough, might be the thing that divides audiences the most. It’s meant to be played as loudly as possible to the point of being deafening. It’s probably as close to a sea battle as most filmgoers are going to get, but there was a whole lot of cringing at the screening I attended from people who simply couldn’t take it. (For the record, I really dug the sound design and its Oscar for that category is probably already in the mail.)

The cast isn’t much of an entity here since there isn’t much room for performance around such constant spectacle, but Berg does know exactly how to use Kitsch as a leading man thanks to their time bonding on TV’s Friday Night Lights. He’s an affable, mercurial dumbass simply there to learn a few lessons and move the plot along. Neeson’s role barely registers above a cameo, but fans of the actor will get a kick out of just how cool he can act when the world is under attack by aliens. Decker and pop star Rihanna are really just there, with the former serving more as a last minute plot saviour and the latter doing what she does best by glowering and looking serious.

It’s quite telling that the scene that most closely resembles the board game would be the dullest in the film, but it’s almost a welcome respite from the film’s almost hyperactive desire to jostle the audience by any means necessary. Thankfully, the film comes devoid of the unrelenting mean streak and self-righteousness that Michael Bay would have brought to such a similarly themed production, but to compensate for that, everything else is as unrelenting as possible, including its almost joyful stupidity. At nearly two and a quarter hours, it’s a bit much, but if you can get behind a film where enormous bombs whiz improbably close to people’s skulls and the film’s greatest scientific mind (played here by, of all people, indie film darling Hamish Linklater) acts like a cross between Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park and Professor Frink from The Simpsons, there’s some enjoyment to be had. Battleship couldn’t be more upfront about what it’s trying to do, and it’s something you’ll either go along with or you should stay away from entirely. While I appreciated how much the film cops to its own stupidity, the final choice is ultimately yours on this one.

Toy collectors and fans of the 80s are in for a treat this weekend as the 2012 Canadian 80s Toy Expo will be at the Sheraton Parkway Toronto North Hotel – 600 Highway 7 East, Richmond Hill, Ontario this Sunday, April 1st.

Featuring Canada’s largest dealer room of vendors selling 80s related merchandise, former WWF Tag Team Champion Fred Ottman aka Tugboat/Typhoon/Shockmaster is scheduled to attend from 9:30 AM to 3 PM. Also available is an exclusive print by Matt Moylan who will be setup at the event selling prints and doing sketches for the attendees celebrating the 30th anniversary of the Masters of the Universe toy line. Additionally the 501st Canadian Garrison representing the Galactic Empire in the Star Wars universe with Stromtroopers, Sith Lords, Bounty Hunters and other Imperial Denizens will join the event for photo ops with attendees.

The event features a huge selection of vintage 80s toys and all the latest releases from today such as He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (vintage and modern), Transformers (vintage and Japanese imports), Star Wars (new and vintage), GIJoe (vintage and modern), Super Heroes (Marvel Universe/Legends, DC Universe figures), Wrestling, Thundercats and hundreds of other Action Figure lines and collectibles.

For more information, visit http://www.80stoyexpo.com/ or email canadiantoyexpo@gmail.com

It’s time for some “real talk”, guys. I can’t think of any other way to approach this review. I will keep it brief since Transformers: Dark of the Moon director Michael Bay can’t seem to do it himself. Do you just want to see some shit blow up? If you answered in the affirmative, then you will probably greatly enjoy this film a whole lot more than the second entry in the franchise since you will actually be able to SEE what is happening for a change. Everyone else looking for anything more than that can look elsewhere because that is all you are going to get from this astoundingly pretty, but astoundingly empty, incoherent, nonsensical and excessive film.

I know, Michael Bay made an excessive film? “The hell?”, you say with all the incredulity in the world. It isn’t exactly a good thing or a bad thing. In fact, I am struggling at the moment with what I even thought of the film. Quite frankly, this film might have broken my brain entirely. Again, that isn’t a good or a bad thing. While there is some undeniable entertainment value in the third film in the Transformers franchise, there is so much about it that I detested and made me want to gnaw my own hands off. One moment I openly wanted to stab myself in the chest with my pen, and then the next moment I was just in awe with the sheer spectacle of what I was seeing. Uneven doesn’t begin to cover this film, nor does any synonym for it.

The story at the heart of Dark of the Moon really isn’t a bad one in theory, but it is botched in terms of practice and common sense. It turns out that the Apollo 11 mission was actually a cover by the United States government to retrieve pieces of an alien craft that crashed into the moon. On this ship was Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), one of the good guy Autobots, who was protecting a bunch of pillars that could resurrect the home planet of these robots in disguise. Or something like that. I can’t fully distill the plot of this movie into words (and writer Ehren Kruger seems to have a Joe Eszterhas-like level of not caring to deliver a coherent story or even a single line of believable dialogue), but apparently something really terrible will happen if the evil Decepticons get their hands on them. Like, something that could destroy the Earth by letting them land their planet on top of ours and could lead to the enslavement of the human race. All of this really puts a dent into the life of the unassuming hero of the series, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) who is just trying to get a post-university job, gain some respect for saving the world twice before, and is trying to keep his new girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, an actual big step down from Megan Fox, but at least a different character) from running away with her sleazy car collector boss (Patrick Dempsey, who is having more fun on screen being a jerk than should be legally allowed).

Let’s start with the negatives first. This movie is stupid. Absolutely 1,010% brainless with not a single thing that makes a lick of sense even in a fantasy realm. The plot is so nonsensical and illogical that it’s almost a work of art. The film continues with Bay’s need to fetishize right wing American gung-ho ideals (Hi there, Bill O’Reilly cameo!) while pontificating endlessly about the true nature of freedom and how the military is the only hope the Western world has. Bay still hasn’t lost his knack for filming a woman’s ass with a tight close up, and the violence on display here is pretty depressing if one stops to think of the mechanics behind it. It doesn’t matter if a robot or a human is being taken out, but they are almost undoubtedly beheaded or killed with a point blank head shot after being tortured first. It doesn’t help that the film’s first hour (of its completely unnecessary two hour and forty minute running time) is deathly dull and largely devoid of anything special. Oh, and the racism that many people claim marred the second film is still largely on display, but this time instead of jive talking robots, they all have European accents, so that makes it, you know, all good, right? Oh, and there is an astoundingly unfunny gay panic scene with cinema’s current favourite gay panic Asian Ken Jeong (playing a guy named Wang!), who needs to stop taking roles like this before he loses what little of the Community-based good will that I have for him.

Let’s move on to the positives. This film is stupid. It is absolutely in love with how incredibly stupid it is and revels in knowing that the audience just wants to see robots fighting, buildings crumbling, and things just blowing up all over the place. Bay, who is actually an auteur when it comes to this kind of film, is back in full Bad Boys 2 mode when it comes to the action set pieces, and his filmmaking has astoundingly improved. A lot of Bay’s newfound technical prowess actually comes from the fact that he was working with 3D cameras this time around. While it is debatable if this film really even needs the 3D, it forced the director to not adopt his usual quick cutting style. The end result is a Transformers film where one can actually see the robots in great detail for longer takes that don’t cut away immediately. Some of the fight sequences are still a blur of metal and blood-like oil spraying about, but for the most part, the action is top notch. The effects department and the stunt guys seem to have worked overtime to avoid the visual pandemonium of the previous film. The story is patently ridiculous, but it still manages a few clever twists along the way that up the stakes considerably. It helps that the cast all seem to know exactly what kind of film they are in. In addition to returning faces like LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro (who goes even further off the deep end with his character here, complete with a bodyguard played by an underutilized Alan Tudyk), there are some great supporting performances from series newcomers Frances McDormand (as an NSA operative) and John Malkovich (as Sam’s new boss). The film also ends on a resolute note that is refreshing despite the chuckle worthy speech at the end of the film.

On one hand, the hand that controls my sense of logic and good taste, Dark of the Moon is one of the absolute worst things I have seen in years that simultaneously offended and saddened me. On the other hand, the one that absolutely loves cheesy action films and deep down gets some sort of sick pleasure out of seeing Michael Bay bring his A-game, Dark of the Moon is one of the most entertaining films of the summer. Looking for anything remotely resembling “good” would be asking a lot of this film. Don’t go in expecting anything close to “quality.” If you are looking for something that is “fun” or are looking for something to watch while on a sugar high, in the middle of an alcoholic bender, or while doing peyote, this is the greatest movie ever made.

With Jess absent, Gavin and Jeff have a frank and deep discussion about the current state of media, lament having to grow up and reminisce about their respective dorky childhoods. They also discuss the always timely subject of the Transformers motion pictures.

Stay tuned for the continuation of this episode next week!

Download: GeekNerdDork Cast – Episode 12 (63 MB, MP3, 1:08:48)
Subscribe on iTunes: GeekNerdDork

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We keep it simple this week, but big things are happening soon. We have some incredible guests lined up, we want your input. Drop us a line and let us know who you would like to hear join us on the show.

Send any and all feedback, questions, suggestions and/or complaints to our email address: g33k.n3rd.d0rk@gmail.com

Big thanks to our friend DJ FINISH HIM for providing the title track to the podcast.
You can hear more of his music here.

Like GND on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @G33KN3RDD0RK.

The 9th Annual Transformers Collectors Convention—TFcon—happens this weekend, July 17th and 18th. If you’re a fan of alien robots that turn into vehicles (and I’m not talking about the Go-Bots!) then TFcon is the place for you.

TFcon features a huge dealer floor, where you can purchase all manner of Transformers merchandise. They also have special guests lined up, including voice actors and designers from the Transformers TV shows and movies. The event is the biggest one of its kind in Canada, a great opportunity for fans and collectors to meet up and dork out over all things Transformers.

If you’d like to know more, we had a chance to talk with the organizers of TFcon earlier this year. We’ll be posting that interview on Friday.

For full details check out the official TFcon Website and the event page on Facebook.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The game features an original storyline and has nothing to do with the movies or Michael Bay.  High Moon Studios (Darkwatch, The Bourne Conspiracy), the developers behind the game, have said they are taking a Gears of War style approach to the look and feel of the game.  To be fair the trailer is just a teaser, and features no actual gameplay.  However, it appears that the appearances of some famous characters like Optimus Prime look nothing like their cartoon or film counterparts.

I’d love to see what a Transformers game would be like with Gears of War style action and gameplay.  I have yet to play a fun or even playable Transformers game, but hopefully The War for Cybertron will end the streak of bad games; much like the recent Arkham Asylum did for Batman games.  Now we just need to see some actual gameplay footage.

Transformers: The War for Cybertron is due out in 2010 for the PC, Xbox 360 and Playstation 3.

To celebrate the DVD and Blu-ray release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Jeff, Joel, Lucas and Will discuss all things Transformers. From the original 80′s cartoon and comics to the toys and the recent live-action films we’ve got our giant shape-shifting alien robot bases well covered.

Download: Dork Shelf Podcast 12 (29 MB, MP3, 42:30)
Subscribe: Dork Shelf Podcast RSS Feed
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Programme:

• 0:00 — Segue from the last podcast
• 0:30 — “Another Life” by Kano
• 1:30 — Transformers movies, comics, TV show
• 28:15 — “Theme from Transformers” by Russell Lieblich
• 29:00 — More about Transformers
• 41:45 — “Flaming Heart” by Meat Puppets

Discussed:

• Nothin’ but Transformers

Click here to view the embedded video.

The HISHE team clearly has a love for Transformers, Michael Bay could learn a thing or two from them.

Via /Film

It started innocently enough.  They were cute and chunky and reminded me of my childhood in a way no other toy line had been able to do.  I picked them up and took them home and made room for them on one of my shelves.  They were the first wave of the Star Wars Mighty Muggs and each one of them had their own spot among the rest of my toy collection.  Boba Fett glared at Han Solo, while Chewbacca covertly aimed his crossbow in protection of his friend.  The lone Stormtooper looked a bit awkward though, with his gleaming white suit and no one issuing orders, however it wouldn’t be long before they had company.

The next wave arrived, and with it confusion.  I wasn’t sure why they would make a figure of Mace Windu before Princess Leia, it seemed to me that she should be one of the first figures issued.  Instead, she showed up in the third wave along with Lando Calrissian and two others I was not expecting: Jango Fett and Commander Cody.  Commander Cody who was that? I had to look him up to even figure out who he was.  I was beginning to feel like I’d been tricked into buying them because of how cool the first wave was and started thinking that maybe I should stop.  Then I remembered that I wanted to finish at least one toy line and I knew I was doomed.

The figures were expanding weekly and I was running out of room for them.  Not only was I buying these things without knowing who they were or what part they played in which movie, I was becoming obsessed with making sure I had all of them.  After the sixth wave, I had 26 of these guys on top of my kitchen cupboards.  It got to a point where I had to get risers so that I could see each one.  And then things got weird: I decided to organize them according to which movie they appeared, beginning with The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones and finishing off with Return of the Jedi.  There was some bickering as to where Asajj Ventress should go, since she wasn’t in any of the movies, so I ended up pairing her with Clone Wars Anakin.  I’m still unsure about that decision.

I have run out of room and I also have run out of patience.  There is no Slave Leia, or Jabba the Hutt or even a Padme.  There isn’t even a Tauntaun either, despite the fact that there are both Luke and Han in Hoth gear and a Wampa!  I am done with these figures.  I cannot invest any more time, energy or money collecting these toys.  I have 32 of them sitting on top of my kitchen cupboards and are a constant source of entertainment for my friends.  Enough is enough; I am officially throwing in the towel and not going to finish this toy line either.  I give up.

Oh no.  I just found Bossk and Biggs Darklighter.

And those are just the Star Wars Mighty Muggs!  Hasbro also makes Marvel Universe, Transformers, G.I. Joe and Indiana Jones Might Muggs.

Check out the Official Mighty Muggs Site.

I had been debating whether or not I should even bother reviewing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; the new Transformers film has been almost universally panned by critics, but is doing gangbusters at the box office.  Should people even try to critique a film like Transformers 2?  It is a film almost entirely bereft of any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  With a completely nonsensical plot, Transformers is a loud, racist, misogynist explosion fest; My every sense and sensibility was offended.  But others have already stated this, for the most part I share their opinion that Transformers 2 is a genuinely unpleasant experience most of the time.  However, as much as I wanted to hate the movie, the ridiculously amazing robot battles (of which there are many) always brought out that 10 year old boy in me.

Like most boys born in the 1980′s, I grew up watching Transformers and playing with the toys.  I still have many of my original Transformers proudly displayed on my dork shelf to this day.  The toy commercial… I mean cartoon was an indelible part of my childhood;  Optimus Prime was a childhood hero to me.  The kid in me is really happy to see these characters brought to life on the big screen, and it’s even more awesome to hear Peter Cullen (the original voice of Prime) reprise his role as the iconic big bot.

Michael Bay’s obsession with the United States military really shines in this film.  Bay shoots fighter jets and tanks like he shoots the women in the film— like he’s performing a sexual act on them with the camera.  Bay makes the film feel downright pornographic at times.  I’m pretty sure the guy sitting behind me at the theatre was performing a sexual act on himself during the film; every time Megan Fox was on the screen he would either cat-call, yell her name or say something along the lines of, “Look at those tits!”.  Yes, nearly every shot of Megan Fox is either her bending down or running in slow-motion, but keep it in your pants sir!  While I agree that Fox is very nice to look at, such lewd behaviour from the audience pretty bad; a tribute to Michael Bay’s filmmaking I suppose.

The Good

If there is one good thing I can say about the new Transformers film, it is that it really delivers the goods when it comes to robot-on-robot battles.  They fight and they fight often.  The fights are always absolutely brutal, the film would easily be rated a hard R if this were human-on-human violence, but since they’re robots it’s okay.  Industrial Light & Magic is to be commended for their amazing work, the Autobots and Decepticons have real size and weight to them, the true scale of these massive robots is conveyed very well.  My childhood self would have gone into convulsions had I beheld such awesomeness.

The robots are also better characterized this time around.  I was never confused as to which bot was which—with the exception of the generic proto-form Decepticons that show up at the film’s finale, mainly to provide ample cannon fodder.  Fans of Megatron and Starscream bickering will not be disappointed, as the two have several scenes together.

Shia LaBeouf,  I just can’t hate this guy.  He’s genuinely entertaining to watch and manages to hold his own against giant alien robots.

The Bad

Far be it for me to expect any semblance of verisimilitude from a summer blockbuster—or a Michael Bay film dealing with giant alien robots that turn into vehicles for that matter—but some of the leaps Bay expects the viewers to accept are just unbelievable.  I have been to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC, many people have.  What I do know for a fact, is that there is no desert resembling Arizona out behind said museum.  I also know that one cannot run in the span of five minutes from the ruins of Petra in Jordan to the Great Pyramids in Egypt.  Nor are Ivy League schools populated entirely by aspiring model/actress types, with nary an ugly or even average looking person in sight.  I really need to remember that I’m talking about a Michael Bay movie though, and not take it so seriously.

The IMAX version of the film uses the IMAX cameras to great effect in several sequences; notably Optimus Prime’s battle against the Decepticons in the forest.  However, during the films finale, Michael Bay’s shoot from the hip style of filmmaking really makes the IMAX feel awkward.  The aspect ratio would quickly change from a normal 35mm anamorphic to the 1.44:1 IMAX ratio between shots and then back again.  This made it a very disorienting and distracting experience for the audience, having the screen size almost double for a split second and then revert back to normal.  <cite>The Dark Knight</cite> did it right; only using IMAX for establishing shots and extended sequences.  Michael Bay really needs to learn how to apply IMAX more effectively.

The story is non-existent and logical plot points are thrown to the wayside so the director can include another sexy shot of Megan Fox, a robot or some heavily armed piece of military hardware.  Don’t even bother to try and follow the story: robots fight and stuff explodes, that’s all you need to know.

The Unforgivable

Skids and Mudflap; the twin robots are meant to provide comic relief in the film.  What they instead provide is a horrific racial stereotype of African-Americans.  Both have exaggerated ears and lips, one has a gold tooth, and when they’re not jive-talking for comedic effect they’re constantly bickering and fighting with one another over inconsequential things. It’s totally inappropriate, and no one seems to want to take responsibility for these blatantly racist depictions. Michael Bay has argued that because the characters are robots, they are exempt from any kind of racial connotations. Judge for yourself if you see the film.

Maybe this is reading too much into the film, but the movie literally ends with the entire might of the United States military; all of their latest weaponry and best soldiers, being used to blow up the Great Pyramids — arguably the best known symbol of the Middle-East. I’m probably giving Michael Bay too much credit, but there are clear allegorical implications to this visual. But hey, the movie had tits, robots and explosions… why should that matter?

On April 29th, Paramount Pictures will be presenting special one-time screenings of Michael Bay‘s 2007 Transformers film in cities across North America.  Attached to the film will be the new trailer for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.  Toronto will be getting the IMAX version of the film and trailer because we’re lucky enough to be one of the top 5 markets in North America.

But don’t just show up to The Paramount…*ahem* Scotiabank Theatre at 7pm on April 29th since you’ll need a ticket. Paramount has posted an email address for each city where you can RSVP for tickets on a first-come-first-serve basis.  Update: Click Here To Get the RSVP email address.

Torontonions RSVP To: Marketing_Interncda@paramount.com

Transformers Screening Locations and Times

Los Angeles: 7pm at The Bridge Cinema De Lux, in IMAX
New York: 8pm at AMC Loew Lincoln Square in IMAX
San Francisco: 7pm at AMC Metreon in IMAX
Chicago: 8pm at Navy Pier in IMAX
Toronto: 7pm at Scotiabank in IMAX
Philadelphia: 7pm at UA King of Prussia in DIGITAL
Washington DC: 7pm at AMC Georgetown in DIGITAL
Dallas: 7pm at Cinemark Movies 17 in 35MM
Boston: 7pm at AMC Boston Common in 35MM
Phoenix: 7pm at Harkins Tempe Marketplace in Tempe in DIGITAL
Seattle: 7pm at Cinerama in 35MM
Atlanta: 7pm at Regal Atlantic Station in 35MM
Miami: 7pm at AMC Sunset in South Miami in 35MM
Detroit: 7pm ar Emagine Novi in Novi, MI in DIGITAL
San Diego: 7pm at Regal Edwards Mira Mesa in 35MM
Denver: 7pm at UA Colorado Center in 35MM
Sacramento: 7pm at UA Market Square in 35MM
Orlando: 7pm at Premiere Fashion Sq Mall in DIGITAL
Minneapolis: 7pm at AMC Southdale in Edina in 35MM
Baltimore: 7pm at AMC White Marsh in 35MM

Hit the HD and Fullscreen buttons for explosions, giant robots fighting and gratuitous shots of Megan Fox running in slow-motion.

Click here to view the embedded video.

ShoWest is an annual film and television convention for the industry.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen hits theatres on June 24th.